Goodbye, from the Former Fatties.

It’s extremely bittersweet to be saying goodbye to The Former Fatties.

When Bobby and I originally spoke about starting the blog/weight loss challenge, I NEVER thought it would mean as much to me as it has. Like Bobby said in his last post, it’s been a complete life transformation – mentally, emotionally and of course physically.

It’s been almost a year since the initial contest ended, which is pretty unbelievable in itself. And guess what? Since the day that contest ended, I’ve stayed within 3 pounds of my winning weigh-in. In the past, I have never, ever lost weight and kept it off for an entire year. That’s where I believe the support system this blog created was extremely crucial. One of our main goals was to create and establish a lasting, healthy lifestyle (and look freakin’ amazing doing it), and I honestly believe we’ve done it.

Now we’ve got plates that are quite full with a lot more than low-fat/high-fiber, so the time has come to move on. I’m sad about this chapter of our lives ending, yes, without a doubt. But more than that, I am so proud of us for what we’ve accomplished and so amazingly grateful to have been able to experience and share this journey with great friends.

I’m thankful that Bobby gave me a serious run for my money all the way til the end, challenging me, pushing me, supporting me and encouraging me to be my best self. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to express to him what an inspiration he is to me on so many planes. It’s been great having Liz along for the tail end of the ride too, to get another perspective on establishing a healthy lifestyle. She is just so beautiful, ambitious and smart. We’ve definitely learned it’s an individual process and different for everybody.

This probably isn’t the end of my blogging career. Something tells me that I’ll start up a new blog somewhere in the near future, and of course when I do, I’ll update everybody here.

Until then… stay skinny, smart, and strong. Here's to forever staying a Former Fattie.

With Fiber One, Franks Red Hot, and a whole lot of love,
-Katy

A Farewell: What I've Learned

It is a sad truth that all good things must come to an end (see: The last episode of Lost in a few weeks.) And so I would like to announce, with a pain in my gut as I type this, that this is going to be my last post with The Former Fatties.

This is a really exciting period in my life and it has been difficult enough to find the time and headspace for fitness. Finding the time to blog about it has been even more impossible. Somehow, it has seemed that when I was eating right and working out, I felt fantastic and dove into my many other endeavors. That really has been the entire purpose of the Former Fatties - to live a full and happy life, not holding one's self back out of fear or shame or whatever it is called when we just think we're too fat to enjoy ourselves. But I got so wrapped up in enjoying myself that I didn't blog. When I was struggling, I just posted mopey entries that just rambled around in circles. It was almost time for me to write my 10,000th "I-completely-screwed-up-but-I-swear-I'm-about-to-do-so-well-that-Men's-Health-and-Men's-Fitness-are-going-to-get-involved-in-a-bidding-war-to-get-me-on-their-cover" post when I realized that I've run my course with this. My decision was sealed when I realized that I didn't want some people to see this blog because I wasn't proud of my work on it. I never, ever want to be ashamed of what we've done here, so I decided to leave while I can still be proud of it.

So, I don't want this post to focus on why I'm leaving. I want to take it as an opportunity to step back and look at the big picture. That means it is going to be a long one, folks, but I'll try to break it down into easily digestible sections and then you can all be done with me.

What I've Learned

Losing weight is easy.

I have been asked so many times how I lost the weight. I always give the same answer: I stopped eating so much and I started exercising. There really is a simple truth to that. After years and years of feeling trapped or stuck in a fat person's body, once I actually stopped eating so much and started exercising I lost close to 50 pounds. Why didn't I do that years ago?

Losing weight is hard.

I really lost the weight in about 5 months. I just stretched those five months over two years. In between I mostly avoided gaining back the weight I'd lost, or at least pulled myself back on track when I started to gain a few pounds back. So that isn't really anything to be ashamed of, but its a more honest picture than the one painted by the last entry. I guess it can be summed up like this: It really is as easy as eating right and exercising, but eating right and exercising is hard.

I lose weight from eating well, not exercising.

Some of my biggest weight losses were in weeks where I was totally committed to Weight Watchers but did not exercise at all.

I feel fit from exercising, not from eating well.

During those weeks, I still felt flabby and gross. If I work out for even a day though, I feel incredible. If I work out for a week, I feel transformed.

I don't have to choose, because I'm much more likely to eat well when I exercise.

I just don't want to waste all the hard work I put in by drinking a soda or going to a fast food joint.

It seems I'm a bit of an extremist, huh?

There have been times when I terrified Katy with my unrelenting dedication. I would basically use egg whites for sustenance and drink my own sweat for hydration. There has also times when I terrified myself with my complete lack of control. I've literally had days where I woke up feeling ready to take on the world, with all of my healthy eating for the day mapped out, and somehow found myself at both Burger King and Chipotle. There is some part of me that decides that I haven't been perfect that day, so I might as well just be disgusting. As I wrap up my time with the Former Fatties, I realize one of the marks of a truly former fattie is moderation. This is not yet something I've learned. Maybe that just isn't me.

Breakfast is so important. Seriously.

It sets up my entire day. If I don't have a great breakfast, I don't have a great eating day. There are no exceptions.

Nothing is as important to success as support.

Every single time that I legitimately started making progress, I did it with someone else. This became clearer than ever this February when I snapped out of a months-long rut when Katy and Liz also became totally committed. This is one of the biggest reasons I'm apprehensive about stepping away, but I know that even if the blogging ends, the support is forever.

Nothing is as motivating to me as success.

When I start to feel like what I'm doing is working, it pushes me to make even more progress. The opposite is also true. When I'm feeling like what I'm doing isn't working, I feel like I will never have the body I want and I stop trying.

The way around this is the pre-emptive strike.

This is probably my most recently learned lesson. In February, I decided that if for some reason I was not feeling fit, I would try harder. That really was a big change for me. And it worked.

Eventually, it is easy to let success go to your head.

It happens slowly at first. You write off a sugary snack as acceptable here. You justify a missed workout there. And then its a month later and you feel fatter than you've ever been. You aren't, but that is certainly how you feel.

I really take my body as a reflection on myself.

As I've learned that my struggles with weight have less to do with anything wrong with my body and everything to do with the choices I've made, I've become a lot less forgiving of myself when it comes to fitness. As I said in the last paragraph, when I drift from fitness, even if I don't put on any significant weight, I feel just as gross and ashamed as I ever did. That is because I know that I may be thin as a result of years of work, but in that moment, I'm a fattie. I'm making just as bad choices as I ever did and it is starting to show. The good thing is that it works both ways. When I'm doing well, I feel great, and I feel like I've earned feeling great.

It is possible to get closer with even the closest of friends.

Liz and I have been friends for years. There are very few people in this world who I have had as much fun with. She is a hilarious free spirit getting an Ivy League education. And she is just freaking beautiful. I didn't know that I could love a friend more than I loved Liz, but since she joined the Former Fatties she has become even more important to me. I am so proud of her bravery. She decided to try new things and developed an addiction to competitive racing, for crying out loud. I feel bad for bringing Liz into this and then so soon after pulling out of it, but I am so glad for the time we had here together. This chapter of our friendship will leave it forever stronger.

There is someone out there who is just like me, but better.

My life was changed because Katy and I were both positive that if we were to enter into a contest of sheer determination, we would win. Positive. I literally never seriously considered losing. But you know what? I lost. Katy's will was stronger. Her blogs were funnier. Her new self is hotter. At this point, she has everything going for her. I am proud to have been a strong enough contender to have pushed her to achieve so much. I look forward to the time we get to spend now that will be less focused on what we ate that day. I also look forward to telling her everything I eat every day from now until the day when food is replaced with magic space pills.

I love celery and really intense workouts.

Who the hell knew?

That of course is not it, but I can't just keep writing in an effort to prolong my time here. Thank you so much, readers. What you lacked in quantity you made up for in quality. I wish you the best in your own fitness journeys. I get unreasonably irritated when people end blog posts by saying to follow them on Twitter, but I'm just saying no one's every gone wrong by following @bobbyrowe before.

Ok, I guess that's all. If we don't cross paths again, I'll see you on line for the buffet in heaven. I'll be the one with the abs standing between Zac Efron and Beyonce.

50 Reasons I want to be Fit and Fabulous

50 Reasons I want to be Fit and Fabulous

Confidence

2. Feel Fantastic at the beach

3. Feel Confident and hot on dates and around men in general

4. Feel Good in Sexy Underwear

5. No More Muffin Top

6. Bathing Suit Shopping

7. My friend Tim and Maureen’s wedding this summer- I want to wear a hot dress

8. So I never had to wear tummy tucker underwear or tights

9. Seeing people that I haven’t seen in awhile say how great I look

10. Feel good naked

11. Be Comfortable in all my clothes

12. Walk into any store and be able to shop there

13. I can eat with control and without emotion

14. Run father

15. Do the crow move in yoga (its this crazy move where you balance your entire body weight on your forearms- I came close to getting it a few times but have never conquered it)

16. Beat my time in the Triathlon

17. No longer wonder if I should apply to the biggest loser

18. When I go on job interviews I will be comfortable in my fancy clothes (when I went on my last interview the pants on my suit where too tight and I so uncomfortable, rather than thinking about the interview I was wondering if they noticed the tightness of my pants- ridiculous)

19. Think logically about food

20. To be healthy

21. When I’m a mom I want to be a super fit fun sexy mom

22. When I am out with my friends I will no longer feel like the “fat girl” but just another girl out with her friends

23. Get sick less

24. Skinny dipping

25. More energy

26. Live longer

27. Sleep Better

28. Prevents Disease

29. Skinny people make more money than fat people (I don’t agree with this of course but it’s a fact I learned on biggest loser)

30. When I get married one day dress shopping will be fantastic

31. When my friends start getting married I will not feel total fear and panic about their choices of bridesmaids dresses

32. Have control around fried or fast food

33. Eat when I’m hungry not when I’m depressed, angry, bored, happy, or drunk (eating healthy when drunk is so hard!)

34. Less Stress

35. Positive Inner dialogue

36. When I lose all my weight I want to be a success story in a magazine or website

37. To Watch the Pounds Drop

38. Motivate others to get healthy (mostly my mom)

39. Hike without getting winded

40. Enjoy my life! Live it not survive it

41. Wear sleeveless shirts

42. Next time I run a half marathon I will be quicker

43. I’m going on vacation with skinny friends this summer and I don’t want to be embarrassed about my body the whole trip.

44. To feel wonderful

45. To feel proud

46. Not feel that gross bloaty nasty feeling when I ate too much

47. Do kick ass push-ups (I hate them and avoid them at all costs)

48. Have lovely toned arms that I am proud to show off in strapless dresses

49. To wear high pencil skirts and other clothes I feel too big for

50. Accept and love my body

* I understand that some of these things on my list I can have now, such as feeling confident, proud, and fantastic, loving my body. I am working on feeling that at my current weight but I know that losing weight will definitely help me feel better about myself and love myself.

Dating, Love, and Food

I've never had a boyfriend. Sure I've gone on dates, hooked up with my fair share, and had men interested in me but I have never had a boyfriend. I'm not entirely sure why that is but I'm coming to understand more and more about it and myself through seeing an eating disorder counselor.

This week things have been going really well- I went on date and the guy was crazy about me, he called me every evening after our date, other men had also asked me out, and other people were trying to set me up with other men. I went to a party and everyone was telling me how great I looked. There was lots of positively surrounding myself, my appearance, and dating it was overwhelming.

Than I broke down.

I went on a crazy three day binge which included- pizza, cheeseburgers, large cookies, cupcakes- the works. After the binge I felt the typical post-binge bloat and disgustingness. When I was bouncing back from the binge I was thinking about the trigger- why did that happen? Usually there is a stressful situation happening in my life but this time only good things was going on in my life so why why why did i binge?!

After much reflection I've come to a conclusion. I think my binge was a result of the positive results of my dating. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared that a man might actually want to be with me and than break down all the walls I've been putting up for years. I'm scared that I may let a man in and than he'll affirm the negative thoughts I have about myself. I'm scared.

But love is worth it right??

I know love is worth it. I know I want love in my life. I also know that I have to begin to break down these walls I've built. How do I do that?

Ugh.

Bobby and Liz's Gmail Come to Jesus Talk

me: hey boo

Bobby: yooooo

me: whats happening hot stuff

Bobby: i feel fat and ugly

but

i'm having so much fun in the studio

and you?

Sent at 5:10 PM on Wednesday

me: i am on a binderif i was an alcohol i'd be drunk off my ass

instead i'm a fattyyy

Sent at 5:11 PM on Wednesday

me: ugh need to get my life back in order

i have a bag of doritos hidden in my purse right now

Bobby: hahahahah

i'm sorry

thats a little funny

its not at all

but do you see what we put ourselves through?

me: it is funny

like if i was an alcoholic i would be hidding a bottle of vodka but no i hide doritos in my purse

Bobby: yes absolutely

me: ugh but the thing is i feel totally gross

and like i know it needs to end

i feel so tired and gross and groggy

Sent at 5:16 PM on Wednesday

Bobby: what do you think you can do to end it?

me: well i'm going to talk to the counselor tomorrow and than also the drive not to feel like this anymore

what about you?

Bobby: i'm going to work on what makes me feel good

and work out and let that take care of itself

i guess

me: what do you mean when you say work on what makes you feel good

Bobby: like

i feel good about what i'm doing in my studio right now

so rather than like

sitting inf ront of the mirror and saying

my face got fat again and i dont look cute

i'm going to work on this project

me: nice

someone once told me you're the most beautiful when you're doing what you love and it sounds like thats what you're talking about

Sent at 5:33 PM on Wednesday

Bobby: yea i think so

me: good plan

I have not blogged in quite awhile and that seems to be because I cannot focus on one thought. I have written numerous drafts but cannot hit publish. I don't know what's going on with me right now I feel all over the place. To be honest I feel like I'm wearing myself a little thin lately. Perhaps its time to de-cutter my life.

I am going to do so by eliminating stress, by:

• returning my library books. I have been putting this off for a long long time. It's time to face the music and return my over-do books.
• Get some things done off my t0-d0 list- essays for job interviews, lessons for school, and grad school stuff.
• Put away my clothes.
• Clean my room.

Hopefully this will be a good start.

While my life has become a bit of a stressed, tangled mess my eating has not followed suit. I did gain weight this week but only 0.2lbs which I was pretty happy about. My weight and my life issues have begun to separate which is a definite sign of progress!! Hooray