Goodbye, from the Former Fatties.

It’s extremely bittersweet to be saying goodbye to The Former Fatties.

When Bobby and I originally spoke about starting the blog/weight loss challenge, I NEVER thought it would mean as much to me as it has. Like Bobby said in his last post, it’s been a complete life transformation – mentally, emotionally and of course physically.

It’s been almost a year since the initial contest ended, which is pretty unbelievable in itself. And guess what? Since the day that contest ended, I’ve stayed within 3 pounds of my winning weigh-in. In the past, I have never, ever lost weight and kept it off for an entire year. That’s where I believe the support system this blog created was extremely crucial. One of our main goals was to create and establish a lasting, healthy lifestyle (and look freakin’ amazing doing it), and I honestly believe we’ve done it.

Now we’ve got plates that are quite full with a lot more than low-fat/high-fiber, so the time has come to move on. I’m sad about this chapter of our lives ending, yes, without a doubt. But more than that, I am so proud of us for what we’ve accomplished and so amazingly grateful to have been able to experience and share this journey with great friends.

I’m thankful that Bobby gave me a serious run for my money all the way til the end, challenging me, pushing me, supporting me and encouraging me to be my best self. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to express to him what an inspiration he is to me on so many planes. It’s been great having Liz along for the tail end of the ride too, to get another perspective on establishing a healthy lifestyle. She is just so beautiful, ambitious and smart. We’ve definitely learned it’s an individual process and different for everybody.

This probably isn’t the end of my blogging career. Something tells me that I’ll start up a new blog somewhere in the near future, and of course when I do, I’ll update everybody here.

Until then… stay skinny, smart, and strong. Here's to forever staying a Former Fattie.

With Fiber One, Franks Red Hot, and a whole lot of love,
-Katy

A Farewell: What I've Learned

It is a sad truth that all good things must come to an end (see: The last episode of Lost in a few weeks.) And so I would like to announce, with a pain in my gut as I type this, that this is going to be my last post with The Former Fatties.

This is a really exciting period in my life and it has been difficult enough to find the time and headspace for fitness. Finding the time to blog about it has been even more impossible. Somehow, it has seemed that when I was eating right and working out, I felt fantastic and dove into my many other endeavors. That really has been the entire purpose of the Former Fatties - to live a full and happy life, not holding one's self back out of fear or shame or whatever it is called when we just think we're too fat to enjoy ourselves. But I got so wrapped up in enjoying myself that I didn't blog. When I was struggling, I just posted mopey entries that just rambled around in circles. It was almost time for me to write my 10,000th "I-completely-screwed-up-but-I-swear-I'm-about-to-do-so-well-that-Men's-Health-and-Men's-Fitness-are-going-to-get-involved-in-a-bidding-war-to-get-me-on-their-cover" post when I realized that I've run my course with this. My decision was sealed when I realized that I didn't want some people to see this blog because I wasn't proud of my work on it. I never, ever want to be ashamed of what we've done here, so I decided to leave while I can still be proud of it.

So, I don't want this post to focus on why I'm leaving. I want to take it as an opportunity to step back and look at the big picture. That means it is going to be a long one, folks, but I'll try to break it down into easily digestible sections and then you can all be done with me.

What I've Learned

Losing weight is easy.

I have been asked so many times how I lost the weight. I always give the same answer: I stopped eating so much and I started exercising. There really is a simple truth to that. After years and years of feeling trapped or stuck in a fat person's body, once I actually stopped eating so much and started exercising I lost close to 50 pounds. Why didn't I do that years ago?

Losing weight is hard.

I really lost the weight in about 5 months. I just stretched those five months over two years. In between I mostly avoided gaining back the weight I'd lost, or at least pulled myself back on track when I started to gain a few pounds back. So that isn't really anything to be ashamed of, but its a more honest picture than the one painted by the last entry. I guess it can be summed up like this: It really is as easy as eating right and exercising, but eating right and exercising is hard.

I lose weight from eating well, not exercising.

Some of my biggest weight losses were in weeks where I was totally committed to Weight Watchers but did not exercise at all.

I feel fit from exercising, not from eating well.

During those weeks, I still felt flabby and gross. If I work out for even a day though, I feel incredible. If I work out for a week, I feel transformed.

I don't have to choose, because I'm much more likely to eat well when I exercise.

I just don't want to waste all the hard work I put in by drinking a soda or going to a fast food joint.

It seems I'm a bit of an extremist, huh?

There have been times when I terrified Katy with my unrelenting dedication. I would basically use egg whites for sustenance and drink my own sweat for hydration. There has also times when I terrified myself with my complete lack of control. I've literally had days where I woke up feeling ready to take on the world, with all of my healthy eating for the day mapped out, and somehow found myself at both Burger King and Chipotle. There is some part of me that decides that I haven't been perfect that day, so I might as well just be disgusting. As I wrap up my time with the Former Fatties, I realize one of the marks of a truly former fattie is moderation. This is not yet something I've learned. Maybe that just isn't me.

Breakfast is so important. Seriously.

It sets up my entire day. If I don't have a great breakfast, I don't have a great eating day. There are no exceptions.

Nothing is as important to success as support.

Every single time that I legitimately started making progress, I did it with someone else. This became clearer than ever this February when I snapped out of a months-long rut when Katy and Liz also became totally committed. This is one of the biggest reasons I'm apprehensive about stepping away, but I know that even if the blogging ends, the support is forever.

Nothing is as motivating to me as success.

When I start to feel like what I'm doing is working, it pushes me to make even more progress. The opposite is also true. When I'm feeling like what I'm doing isn't working, I feel like I will never have the body I want and I stop trying.

The way around this is the pre-emptive strike.

This is probably my most recently learned lesson. In February, I decided that if for some reason I was not feeling fit, I would try harder. That really was a big change for me. And it worked.

Eventually, it is easy to let success go to your head.

It happens slowly at first. You write off a sugary snack as acceptable here. You justify a missed workout there. And then its a month later and you feel fatter than you've ever been. You aren't, but that is certainly how you feel.

I really take my body as a reflection on myself.

As I've learned that my struggles with weight have less to do with anything wrong with my body and everything to do with the choices I've made, I've become a lot less forgiving of myself when it comes to fitness. As I said in the last paragraph, when I drift from fitness, even if I don't put on any significant weight, I feel just as gross and ashamed as I ever did. That is because I know that I may be thin as a result of years of work, but in that moment, I'm a fattie. I'm making just as bad choices as I ever did and it is starting to show. The good thing is that it works both ways. When I'm doing well, I feel great, and I feel like I've earned feeling great.

It is possible to get closer with even the closest of friends.

Liz and I have been friends for years. There are very few people in this world who I have had as much fun with. She is a hilarious free spirit getting an Ivy League education. And she is just freaking beautiful. I didn't know that I could love a friend more than I loved Liz, but since she joined the Former Fatties she has become even more important to me. I am so proud of her bravery. She decided to try new things and developed an addiction to competitive racing, for crying out loud. I feel bad for bringing Liz into this and then so soon after pulling out of it, but I am so glad for the time we had here together. This chapter of our friendship will leave it forever stronger.

There is someone out there who is just like me, but better.

My life was changed because Katy and I were both positive that if we were to enter into a contest of sheer determination, we would win. Positive. I literally never seriously considered losing. But you know what? I lost. Katy's will was stronger. Her blogs were funnier. Her new self is hotter. At this point, she has everything going for her. I am proud to have been a strong enough contender to have pushed her to achieve so much. I look forward to the time we get to spend now that will be less focused on what we ate that day. I also look forward to telling her everything I eat every day from now until the day when food is replaced with magic space pills.

I love celery and really intense workouts.

Who the hell knew?

That of course is not it, but I can't just keep writing in an effort to prolong my time here. Thank you so much, readers. What you lacked in quantity you made up for in quality. I wish you the best in your own fitness journeys. I get unreasonably irritated when people end blog posts by saying to follow them on Twitter, but I'm just saying no one's every gone wrong by following @bobbyrowe before.

Ok, I guess that's all. If we don't cross paths again, I'll see you on line for the buffet in heaven. I'll be the one with the abs standing between Zac Efron and Beyonce.

50 Reasons I want to be Fit and Fabulous

50 Reasons I want to be Fit and Fabulous

Confidence

2. Feel Fantastic at the beach

3. Feel Confident and hot on dates and around men in general

4. Feel Good in Sexy Underwear

5. No More Muffin Top

6. Bathing Suit Shopping

7. My friend Tim and Maureen’s wedding this summer- I want to wear a hot dress

8. So I never had to wear tummy tucker underwear or tights

9. Seeing people that I haven’t seen in awhile say how great I look

10. Feel good naked

11. Be Comfortable in all my clothes

12. Walk into any store and be able to shop there

13. I can eat with control and without emotion

14. Run father

15. Do the crow move in yoga (its this crazy move where you balance your entire body weight on your forearms- I came close to getting it a few times but have never conquered it)

16. Beat my time in the Triathlon

17. No longer wonder if I should apply to the biggest loser

18. When I go on job interviews I will be comfortable in my fancy clothes (when I went on my last interview the pants on my suit where too tight and I so uncomfortable, rather than thinking about the interview I was wondering if they noticed the tightness of my pants- ridiculous)

19. Think logically about food

20. To be healthy

21. When I’m a mom I want to be a super fit fun sexy mom

22. When I am out with my friends I will no longer feel like the “fat girl” but just another girl out with her friends

23. Get sick less

24. Skinny dipping

25. More energy

26. Live longer

27. Sleep Better

28. Prevents Disease

29. Skinny people make more money than fat people (I don’t agree with this of course but it’s a fact I learned on biggest loser)

30. When I get married one day dress shopping will be fantastic

31. When my friends start getting married I will not feel total fear and panic about their choices of bridesmaids dresses

32. Have control around fried or fast food

33. Eat when I’m hungry not when I’m depressed, angry, bored, happy, or drunk (eating healthy when drunk is so hard!)

34. Less Stress

35. Positive Inner dialogue

36. When I lose all my weight I want to be a success story in a magazine or website

37. To Watch the Pounds Drop

38. Motivate others to get healthy (mostly my mom)

39. Hike without getting winded

40. Enjoy my life! Live it not survive it

41. Wear sleeveless shirts

42. Next time I run a half marathon I will be quicker

43. I’m going on vacation with skinny friends this summer and I don’t want to be embarrassed about my body the whole trip.

44. To feel wonderful

45. To feel proud

46. Not feel that gross bloaty nasty feeling when I ate too much

47. Do kick ass push-ups (I hate them and avoid them at all costs)

48. Have lovely toned arms that I am proud to show off in strapless dresses

49. To wear high pencil skirts and other clothes I feel too big for

50. Accept and love my body

* I understand that some of these things on my list I can have now, such as feeling confident, proud, and fantastic, loving my body. I am working on feeling that at my current weight but I know that losing weight will definitely help me feel better about myself and love myself.

Dating, Love, and Food

I've never had a boyfriend. Sure I've gone on dates, hooked up with my fair share, and had men interested in me but I have never had a boyfriend. I'm not entirely sure why that is but I'm coming to understand more and more about it and myself through seeing an eating disorder counselor.

This week things have been going really well- I went on date and the guy was crazy about me, he called me every evening after our date, other men had also asked me out, and other people were trying to set me up with other men. I went to a party and everyone was telling me how great I looked. There was lots of positively surrounding myself, my appearance, and dating it was overwhelming.

Than I broke down.

I went on a crazy three day binge which included- pizza, cheeseburgers, large cookies, cupcakes- the works. After the binge I felt the typical post-binge bloat and disgustingness. When I was bouncing back from the binge I was thinking about the trigger- why did that happen? Usually there is a stressful situation happening in my life but this time only good things was going on in my life so why why why did i binge?!

After much reflection I've come to a conclusion. I think my binge was a result of the positive results of my dating. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared that a man might actually want to be with me and than break down all the walls I've been putting up for years. I'm scared that I may let a man in and than he'll affirm the negative thoughts I have about myself. I'm scared.

But love is worth it right??

I know love is worth it. I know I want love in my life. I also know that I have to begin to break down these walls I've built. How do I do that?

Ugh.

Bobby and Liz's Gmail Come to Jesus Talk

me: hey boo

Bobby: yooooo

me: whats happening hot stuff

Bobby: i feel fat and ugly

but

i'm having so much fun in the studio

and you?

Sent at 5:10 PM on Wednesday

me: i am on a binderif i was an alcohol i'd be drunk off my ass

instead i'm a fattyyy

Sent at 5:11 PM on Wednesday

me: ugh need to get my life back in order

i have a bag of doritos hidden in my purse right now

Bobby: hahahahah

i'm sorry

thats a little funny

its not at all

but do you see what we put ourselves through?

me: it is funny

like if i was an alcoholic i would be hidding a bottle of vodka but no i hide doritos in my purse

Bobby: yes absolutely

me: ugh but the thing is i feel totally gross

and like i know it needs to end

i feel so tired and gross and groggy

Sent at 5:16 PM on Wednesday

Bobby: what do you think you can do to end it?

me: well i'm going to talk to the counselor tomorrow and than also the drive not to feel like this anymore

what about you?

Bobby: i'm going to work on what makes me feel good

and work out and let that take care of itself

i guess

me: what do you mean when you say work on what makes you feel good

Bobby: like

i feel good about what i'm doing in my studio right now

so rather than like

sitting inf ront of the mirror and saying

my face got fat again and i dont look cute

i'm going to work on this project

me: nice

someone once told me you're the most beautiful when you're doing what you love and it sounds like thats what you're talking about

Sent at 5:33 PM on Wednesday

Bobby: yea i think so

me: good plan

I have not blogged in quite awhile and that seems to be because I cannot focus on one thought. I have written numerous drafts but cannot hit publish. I don't know what's going on with me right now I feel all over the place. To be honest I feel like I'm wearing myself a little thin lately. Perhaps its time to de-cutter my life.

I am going to do so by eliminating stress, by:

• returning my library books. I have been putting this off for a long long time. It's time to face the music and return my over-do books.
• Get some things done off my t0-d0 list- essays for job interviews, lessons for school, and grad school stuff.
• Put away my clothes.
• Clean my room.

Hopefully this will be a good start.

While my life has become a bit of a stressed, tangled mess my eating has not followed suit. I did gain weight this week but only 0.2lbs which I was pretty happy about. My weight and my life issues have begun to separate which is a definite sign of progress!! Hooray

HALT

A nutritionist that I used to work with had a saying to use before you eat something:

HALT!

She advised me to stop and ask myself am I....

H-hungry?

A-angry?

L-lonely?

T- tired?

Obviously I do not always think HALT before I put something into my mouth. However I might try to use it more often in the evenings when emotional is more difficult. Thats a little mini goal for myself.

In other news I had kinda bad eating/exercise weekend- basically I went out dancing and drinking until 3am on Friday which resulted in a nasty hangover which then turned into some poor food choices and no exercise. However I'm back on track and doing awesome today. I am def going to lose weight this week!

Happy Monday!!

Am I looking in a funhouse mirror?

I've had a few conversations over the past few years where people say, "you don't see what size you actually are." I've confidently disagreed in the past. "I know I'm not fat, but I know that I can be smaller." And that was true.

Recently though, I've started to realize that I'm smaller than I think I am. I've just had several people refer to me as "small" or "small framed" lately. (This second term really struck me - every Former Fattie once used a "large frame" as an explanation for their size.) I was really hit with it in the dressing room of the Gap this past weekend. I wanted a cute fitted-looking button down. I picked up the Small and prayed it would fit. It was too big. In the meantime I was trying on jeans that were a size 30. Not only did they fit I probably have a little extra room (at least in the waist.) What struck me was not how far I've come - from an XL to below a S and from a 36 to below a 30 - but just how small those new sizes actually are. As in...I'm smaller than a Small? How the heck small am I? Is it going to be an issue finding clothes that are small enough? WHO AM I?

This realization leaves me with a few thoughts:

• For the first time ever, I understand what people mean when they talk about distorted body image. I still think of myself as juuuust a little on the big side, what actually I'm smaller-than-small.
• Was it ever my intention to be small? I know Katy's dream is to be Olsen-esque but its not mine. It can be argued that Efron-esque isn't exactly huge but...well I guess that leads me to my next point...
• I'm not Efron-esque. Don't hit me for ending this post like this, but seriously, I could still be so much more toned. I think lithe, toned guys are so attractive, but that is just not what I am right now. I do think I'm well on my way. And a I feel a billion times better about myself than I did even four months ago, let alone two years. I'm starting to lean more towards wanting to be Lautner-esque I think. My primary goal right now though is to rid myself of the remaining fat. So if I end up a little too small for a bit, so be it. (Interestingly, Taylor Lautner is about 10 pounds heavier than I am and my height. So in theory I should only have to put on ten pounds of muscle...but he started out 20 pounds lighter than I am. So I think he may have 30 pounds of muscle on me. At the very least, its more than 10.)

The point of this post was supposed to be that I have a distorted view of myself in the mirror, but I actually think the truth is more that I'm adjusting to the new reality. Confession: whenever I've passed the long mirror at the bottom of my staircase in the past few weeks, I've been pleasantly surprised at what I've seen. So maybe I can actually see it...I just keep forgetting.

Either way, the Former Fatties has changed my life.

Frantic Tuesday

I had a pretty difficult week with midterms, job searching, moon cycle issues, and food. I want to share with you a bit about this past Tuesday which was by far my most stressful day.

• 5:30 I woke up, had breakfast (bagel thin and WW cream cheese- 2pts), and began to study at home.
• 7:30 I commuted into the city.
• 9am I was sitting in my section at the library. Around 10 I had a mid-morning snack of coffee and light cheese.
• 12pm I reviewed my resumes, got my game face on for the job fair, and than was a ball of nerves that I didn't want to eat (WHAT?! So so rare for me usually its the opposite) I picked at a turkey sandwich on wheat with avocado.
• Studied more
• 2pm went to the job fair- ah so intense: lots of handshaking, smiling, telling people why they should hire me, an on-the-spot interview
• 4pm I left the job fair feeling very frantic and immediately thought: I NEED A BIG COOKIE! (I don't even like cookies)
• 4:10pm Having a mental battle at Columbia's coffee shop about whether to have a cookie or to stay on track
• 4:12 I bought a skinny latte put numerous splendas to satisfy my sweet tooth
• Studied more
• 5:10 took my mid-term and OWNED IT! I knew everything on ABA, the test, and than some
• I finished!! Felt so relieved and than thought: I NEED A HUGE CHEESEBURGER, FRIES, AND BEER.
• Considered calling my father (who I often nag at for his poor eating choices- enabling at its best) to see if he'd meet me at our favorite pub for just that but instead...
• I commuted back to Long Island and enjoyed a 2pt dark chocolate bar on the train.
• Had a dinner of steak, 1/2 a potato, and veggies at home.
• Enjoyed a bowl of special K chocolately delight with skim milk
• I was still feeing pent up nerves, stress, and exhaustion and I wanted to EAT EAT EAT
• Instead I went to bed at 9pm and slept until 9am on Wednesday.

That was my day. I am proud of how I handled my binge sensations throughout the day. In the past those stressful, emotional moments would have turned into an embarrassingly large cookie or a lonely meal of McDonalds on the LIRR. Those would have made my day much much worse in the long run. I need to continue working on finding coping skills to for my emotions but I am definitely making progress. Even with all the crazyness of this week I managed to lose 1.4pounds!

Still truckin.

Hey gang. I really wanted to blog today but it just didn't happen. I want to go to bed early tonight so I'm just going to say that I'm still here. My weekend was a fitness disaster (mostly) but I'm back on track. Actually, today was a bit of a fresh start that will hopefully be the beginning of another successful run.

A deeper blog on self-image coming soon, but I'm going to go to bed. For a while I was having no trouble waking up early and working out, but I've been staying up later. That just happens sometimes. But...back on track. Night!

PS: Enjoy my you-can-do-it jam of the day, sung by the greatest vocalist ever (and sadly, one of the most photoshopped.)

I punched a danish

WARNING: I AM SERIOUSLY LETTING YOU IN ON MY CRAZYNESS WITH THIS POST. PLEASE REALIZE THAT I AM A WELL ADJUSTED HUMAN BEING WHO AT TIMES IS IRRATIONAL AND DRAMATIC WHICH IS WHY ---->

I punched a danish.

I came home, found a danish on my kitchen counter, and destroyed it with my fist.

Perhaps I should back track.

My whole family is overweight. My mom and I are on weight watchers. My father is pre-diabetic because of his unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise. I'm an only child and often worry about my parents poor habits. I especially worry about my father because he still does not seem to understand the gravity of his decisions. I want my parents to live long healthy lives because they are my family and if I ever lost them well I feel like I'd have no one left.

Anyway yesterday I was having a difficult day. I was really struggling with my eating, exercise, had gained .8lbs, and was exhausted. When I got home, after working and going to class, I found a half eaten Raspberry Danish Twist sitting on my counter. I was so, so angry. Angry at my father for eating half a danish in one day when he is on his way to diabetes. Angry that after a long, difficult day I now had this temptation in front of me. I used that anger and seriously beat the shit out of the danish. (I wish I photographed it to share but in my rage black out that didn't occur to me)

Than I breathed in and out, open my cabinet to find a huge bag of chips, and I flipped out all over again. I took out the chips, put them on the counter, took out a large kitchen knife, and proceeded to stab the bag of chips over and over again.

Finally I threw both items out in the trash, breathed, and had a healthy dinner of brown rice, chicken, and broccoli.

The thing is it felt FANTASTIC to beat the shit out of the food which got me thinking. Now I am considering doing some sort of burning or cleanse. I want to physically, mentally, and emotionally destroy the barriers that I allowed to hold me down in the past. This idea came from a friend who had a really unhealthy relationship with an ex-boyfriend and when they broke up she took all of the letters and stuff and burnt it. She always said it was only of the most cleansing experiences she ever had so I'd like to cleanse my unhealthy relationships with food and self-image.I'm considering writing than burning negative thoughts I say about myself (e.g."You are disgusting") or taking a big mac and crushing it with my hand. I realize that this may sound crazy but I think it may be helpful.

A Stressful Week Makes Lizzy a Crazy Girl

In Bobby's last post he said "It actually has been great though, because I've gotten into enough of a routine that fitness isn't occupying all of my brain-space. It is starting to take care of itself." I love it and I'm so so proud of him because I think that is totally the ultimate goal. To have fitness and good eating just become such a part of who we are that they take care of themselves. Way to be Bobby!

At times I have def been in that mode too- choosing healthy options seems to come easily and naturally and I exercise all the time because I want to. However on this journey of weight loss there are ups and downs. Right now I'm somewhere in the middle. At times I make good healthy choices and other times I just dont. I think the reason I am not totally in the zone is because I'm stressed!

Right now my life is getting crazy- midterms, papers,30 4th graders, plans, supervision, and next years job hunt!! Ugh its just A LOT right now but thats life. There will always be stress and a bit of chaos but what I eat does not have to react to it.

A little back story: Last year I quite my job and went back to graduate school. I got into my dream school and academic program and now I'm going to a really competitive program. it was a huge transition and a lot more stressss entered my life as did twenty pounds that I had lost.

SO I really let the stress of school affect my physical and mental health but I really want to do better this semester. This year I've lost 9 of the 20 pounds that I gained back and I want to keep on going. So now that I know this is trigger time I have to action plan about how to deal with that.

My plan:

• Yoga (I'm ashamed to say that my series of yoga classes ran out and I haven't been back in weeks but now more than ever I need to hit my yoga studio again)
• Socialize with my friends (last year I kind of shut myself out and let myself get a little depressed- not this time.)
• Take Time at Night to De-Stress (whatever form that may take: journaling, praying, doing yoga, breathing deep)
• Blog it out- even if its quick- just to keep me accountable
• Try and live in the present so when I'm studying I'm studying and when I'm done relaxing I allow myself to relax and not think about school
• Eat right- track my foods
• Work Out

So that's it. Wish me luck!

It is March now, so lets talk about Former Fattie February, shall we?

So Former Fattie February is over. This is what I look like now:

I took shirtless before and afters, but I think they are misleading. I look almost exactly the same size, if not a little wider. What you can't tell is that I'm just so much firmer. I realized just today that when I make a muscle and squeeze it (which I obviously do all the time) the whole thing is muscle. It used to be "that looks like muscle but most of it is just fat." So its the same size or smaller, but its actually muscle now. Same with my chest.

The pictures did make me the teeeensiest bit scared of getting muscley-fat. I'm not going to worry about it though because I'm just starting TWO-A-DAYS and this week I haven't been a stellar example of nutritional choices. I was so dedicated the first 3 weeks of February so I decided it was OK to loosen the vice I had on own balls. Just in the past week everyone I see who I haven't seen for a bit gasps a little when they see me, so I must be doing something right.

And so I'm not concerned that I weighed in higher yesterday than I did at the first Tuesday of February. I'm not going to freak that I vowed never to go above 160 (after that glorious Thursday when I weighed 159.4) but am now several pounds higher than that. I've been letting myself off the hook a bit by saying, "well hell...if I'm supposed to be eating enough to support GAINING weight, I can eat some more!" That is true, but it works better when it is lean protein or produce that I'm eating, as opposed to late night chips or cookies. Or giant margaritas with giant burritos (we measured...they were in fact bigger than my head.) So...something to work on.

Liz checked in on me recently, knowing that historically when I don't blog, I am usually hiding the fact that I've fallen off the wagon. This time, it wasn't the case. Frankly, I've started to feel good enough about myself superficially that its brought the other parts of my life that I want to work on more into focus. Hooray! Removing insecurities to reveal...insecurities! It actually has been great though, because I've gotten into enough of a routine that fitness isn't occupying all of my brain-space. It is starting to take care of itself. And that has actually allowed me to work on those other things. Sorry if a side effect of that has been neglecting the blog.

So...in summary...I feel great. And I promise on Memorial day to post all four months worth of shirtless pics (if you watch a lot of the crazier P90X before and afters, there is very little noticeale change from day 1-30, but insane change from day 1-90. You'll be getting 1-120ish. Get excited.)

Finally, there is one day a month that I do not freaking care how badly I eat, and that is FREE PIZZA MONDAY at Planet Fitness. I especially didn't feel guilty about partaking this month since I had worked out really hard that morning. And when I got there I banged out the elliptical equivalent of three miles without thinking anything of it. While talking. OK fine...and also while eating pizza:

Mexican Quinoa with Black Beans & Kidney Beans

.
Hopping on the Mexican recipe train with Liz!

My best friend Nikki has made it known that I will eat black beans with just about anything. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner, I find them to be the perfect accompaniment (or base!) for a meal.

I bought some Quinoa (pronounced keen-wah, as far as I know) and needed a recipe. It goes without saying that I looked for one that involved black beans. It also goes without saying that I don't really follow recipes and like to make things up myself. It ALSO goes without saying that I say things that go without saying.

Quinoa is an interesting grain. Apparently it's one of the healthiest, too. It's similiar to cous-cous in texture and consistency, and can take on many flavors depending on how you cook it. I'm not obsessed with it (I'm not a rice/cous-cous person) but it's a good base to add some bulk to a meal.

I can't find the recipe I used as my jump-off, but here's what I did:

Ingredients:

• 1/2 bag of frozen broccoli
• 1 tbsp minced garlic
• 1 tbsp oil
• 3/4 cup dry quinoa
• 2 cups vegetable stock
• 1/2 bag of "Fiesta Mix" from Key Foods, frozen (corn, carrots, peas, broccoli, kidney beans)
• 1/2 cup black beans, rinsed and drained (leftovers - previously cooked)
• cumin, cayenne pepper, salt and pepper (to taste)
• shredded mexican-blend cheese
• Frank's Red Hot (of course)

Directions:

1. In a large frying pan, add frozen broccoli, oil and garlic and defrost broccoli about 75%.
2. Add dry quinoa, and cover with vegetable stock and add Fiesta mix. Stir and bring to a boil.
3. Reduce heat, cover pan, and let simmer for 20 minutes, adding seasonings.
4. Add black beans and stir thoroughly over low heat.
5. Serve and top with shredded cheese and Frank's.
6. Enjoy!

SO GOOD. Of course, I could put Frank's & black beans on dirt and think it was delicious. But seriously, this was good.

Snow days, comfort food, and staying on points

When I have a snow day I get an intense urge to snuggle up with a good book, movies, and comfort food. Anyone with me? That urge makes it so much more difficult to stay on program days like today. My answer to that is MEXICAN PIZZA! (My comfort foods are not sweets but salty foods) Its so yummy and delicious that I feel like I'm eating a treat but its still low points.

Here is my Mexican Pizza!

• Pre-heat the oven to 350degrees
• Place an America's Choice Gold Quality Gourmet Wrap (1pt) on a baking sheet with a lil cooking spray

• Spread 100 calorie pack of guacamole and 2tbsp of fat free sour cream (1pt)
• Than I had some already cooked tofu (morningstar grill crumbles- 1pt)
• That I also added some sauteed peppers and onions (0pts)

• Lastly I added 1/4cup of 2% shredded mexican cheese (2pts)

• Last but not least put it in the oven for 8-10minutes
• Than enjoy!!

• It is so easy and delicious all for 5pts!! Also if you're trying to get all your WW healthy guidelines than this recipes has veggies, milk, lean protein, whole grains, and WW filling foods.
• Also you can add whatever you like to it black beans, salsa, refried beans, ground turkey, the possibilities are endless!

Now I need to find the energy to get off my couch and work out! Happy Snow Day!

Panic at the Westside Market

This morning started out great. I went to Weigh Watchers had a killer weigh-in. I lost all the weight I had gained last week (that I was too ashamed and chicken to blog about) and than some!!! 4.4 Pounds in total!!!!!!!!!

Than I got a call from my parental units who got our taxes done today and my tax return is HUGE! I felt like I won the lotto (for some reason the 50cent song have a baby by me and be a millionaire song is stuck in my head- my tax return has done bad things)

Than after an doctor's appointment I was walking around NYC in the snow loving my life when I past by the Westside Market.

It is this beautiful market that always has such colorful fresh fruit on its stands. Whenever I walk by I want to buy all the fruit and today I thought why not treat myself to a delicious piece of fruit. So for the first time ever I went inside the market. It was even more beautiful in there.

There were rows of all delicious looking food and now I realized that it was 12:45 and I had not had lunch yet and I was HUNGRY! THAN PANIC STRUCK! WHAT TO EAT WHAT TO EAT WHAT TO EAT! (keep in mind I had a packed lunch in my bag) The craziest thing was I was having a physical reaction to the stress and temptation of the market- my pulse quicken, I felt light headed, and felt my brain get foggy.

What ended up happening was that I had 4 free samples of foreign cheese than STOPPED, bought my healthy snack, and than headed for the door.

(I ended up buying a fruit salad, weigh watchers yogurt, and Watermelon falvored Essence water.)

So I even though I panicked at Westside Market I made it out alive!! Horray!!

Unfortunately the feelings of panic have not been easy to shake and have made me more concerned about a dinner party I am going to tonight. The host sent an email discussing what she would could make for dinner- she stated "I was thinking about making eggplant parm and manicotti for dinner but I could make chicken and salad if everyone wants to go healthy." My other friends responded "how often do we see each other- let's go high calories!!"

UGH! Why does celebrating that we're hanging out have = high cal dinner? I never responded to the chain. I didn't feel comfortable saying I'm trying to lose could we go with a lower calorie option. I wanted to be the gracious, thankful guest not the picky, demanding one. I'm sure there is a friendly, kind way I could have asked for a low calorie meal but I didn't so I am left with a challenge tonight.

Bobby's brilliant advice was:

even with high cal

you can do portion control!

YES its so hard to remember though

you are going to have an amazing time tonight

whether you overeat or not

so wouldnt you rather have fun AND be proud of yourself?

i KNOW you can do this

and just think of how great its going to feel at your next weigh in

b

So I'm going to try and follow his advice, watch my portions, load my plate with veggies, and I'm bring a fruit salad for dessert. I want to try enjoy the people and be in control with my eating. Wish me luck!!

Here are some photos I took walking around snowy NYC:

snowy Columbia

Central Park- so pretty!

This is genius.

You know how easy it is to get sucked into doing a TV show that you've always meant to watch, and then once you have access to it you can't stop until you have finished? A friend of mine was in that situation and decided to only allow himself to watch while at the gym. And so he started going to the gym three times a day. And he looks amazing.

Sorry for the lack of communication. It is recovery week, so I'm not doing as hardcore working out. I actually gained like half a pound or something at my Tuesday weigh-in, but I'm using recovery week to give my willpower a break along with my muscles. That way I can start STRONG on Saturday.

TWO-A-DAYS START SATURDAY. YAAAAAAY.

Listen Up!

I have a trainer at my gym. He is fantastic and a huge companion of mine on this weight loss journey. During our workouts I have broke down, cried, pushed myself, ran away, laughed, learned and became stronger with every squat, lunge, and push-up.

A few days ago we were working out and he was yelling at me (I pay him the big bucks to yell at me). That particular day I had had enough with his yelling so in best sassy voice I yelled back at him. I told him that all his is yelling was negative and that he should try saying a word of encouragement every once and awhile. He stopped me and told me he said, "I say positive things all of the time- YOU DONT HEAR THEM."

WHAT? I'm not deaf. I hear just fine. In the moment I did not understand instead I just continued to squat. Later on I thought more about what he said and wondered what he meant. Do I really not hear the positive, good things people say? I came to the conclusion that I do hear them but often I do accept them.

A few years ago an old woman came up to me on the street and told me I was beautiful. I said thank you and walked away. My roommate, at the time, made me stop what I was doing and really think about that. She pointed out that there was tons of other woman but there was something special, beautiful about me that made the old woman speak to me. Except I barely noticed however if that woman had walked up to me and told me I was fat I would have definitely taken that to heart.

What is wrong with my brain that all I hear or take to heart is the negative? I need to learn to really accept and take in the positive things that people say. Most importantly I think this all goes back to what I say to myself and you know I'm working on that. Today numerous times I said to myself I LOST WEIGHT, I LOST WEIGHT, I LOST WEIGHT. I haven't weighed in yet this week but I am talking myself into believing in myself and my ability to lose weight.

I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, say it with me! (or say whatever you need to tell yourself to keep pressing on)

Cheers!

I Am Changing.

I swear I titled this post before finding this video and did not title it just as an excuse to post a Jennifer Hudson video.

But seriously how wonderful is she? SING IT, GIRL.

I know that I'm supposed to find strength within myself and all of that business, but sometimes I just need a little validation, alright? My big struggle in this chapter of the Former Fatties has not been staying vigilant. It has been the fact that I've been more vigilant than ever - and not really having too much trouble with that - and yet the scale stays the same. Everyone and their nutritionist can tell me that the scale doesn't matter at this point, but I can only run on faith for so long. I was beginning to need proof.

And then last night I video chatted with my friend Laura, who is currently on the road being famous, and one of the first things she said was, "You look thin. In your face! Your jawline!" I admit that when I first came up on the video chat screen, I thought the same thing myself, but I just dismissed it as craziness on my behalf. Hearing it coming from someone else, unprompted, was really what I needed to keep going at this point. This hasn't been all for nothing. In fact, I've noticeably changed my appearance in just a few weeks.

I've changed more than just physically. Mentally, I've gone from dreading working out to never really feeling like I've worked out enough. And I don't think I mean that in the distorted-body-image way. I mean that I've gotten fit enough that if I work out in the morning, I don't even have that "I worked out today" feeling at the end of the day. And I want to get it back.

And so we now enter my first "recovery week." Recovery weeks are built into both P90X and Insanity. They involve less super-intense cardio and weight training, and more yoga, core work, and stretching. The idea is to give your body a chance to catch up. The old me used use Recovery week as an excuse to only really do any exercise maybe one day in the entire week, and then fall out of the program entirely. Now, I worry that I'm going to get anxious for not working out enough. I never give these types of workout enough credit though until I actually do them and find them more challenging than any of my various jump-and-do-pushups DVDs.

And then after this week...I get to start TWO-A-DAYS! This means that I'll do one type of workout in the morning and a different type in the evening several days a week. YAAAAAAAAY!

OK who am I?