Mexican Quinoa with Black Beans & Kidney Beans

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Hopping on the Mexican recipe train with Liz!

My best friend Nikki has made it known that I will eat black beans with just about anything. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner, I find them to be the perfect accompaniment (or base!) for a meal.

I bought some Quinoa (pronounced keen-wah, as far as I know) and needed a recipe. It goes without saying that I looked for one that involved black beans. It also goes without saying that I don't really follow recipes and like to make things up myself. It ALSO goes without saying that I say things that go without saying.

Quinoa is an interesting grain. Apparently it's one of the healthiest, too. It's similiar to cous-cous in texture and consistency, and can take on many flavors depending on how you cook it. I'm not obsessed with it (I'm not a rice/cous-cous person) but it's a good base to add some bulk to a meal.

I can't find the recipe I used as my jump-off, but here's what I did:

Ingredients:

• 1/2 bag of frozen broccoli
• 1 tbsp minced garlic
• 1 tbsp oil
• 3/4 cup dry quinoa
• 2 cups vegetable stock
• 1/2 bag of "Fiesta Mix" from Key Foods, frozen (corn, carrots, peas, broccoli, kidney beans)
• 1/2 cup black beans, rinsed and drained (leftovers - previously cooked)
• cumin, cayenne pepper, salt and pepper (to taste)
• shredded mexican-blend cheese
• Frank's Red Hot (of course)

Directions:

1. In a large frying pan, add frozen broccoli, oil and garlic and defrost broccoli about 75%.
2. Add dry quinoa, and cover with vegetable stock and add Fiesta mix. Stir and bring to a boil.
3. Reduce heat, cover pan, and let simmer for 20 minutes, adding seasonings.
4. Add black beans and stir thoroughly over low heat.
5. Serve and top with shredded cheese and Frank's.
6. Enjoy!

SO GOOD. Of course, I could put Frank's & black beans on dirt and think it was delicious. But seriously, this was good.

Snow days, comfort food, and staying on points

When I have a snow day I get an intense urge to snuggle up with a good book, movies, and comfort food. Anyone with me? That urge makes it so much more difficult to stay on program days like today. My answer to that is MEXICAN PIZZA! (My comfort foods are not sweets but salty foods) Its so yummy and delicious that I feel like I'm eating a treat but its still low points.

Here is my Mexican Pizza!

• Pre-heat the oven to 350degrees
• Place an America's Choice Gold Quality Gourmet Wrap (1pt) on a baking sheet with a lil cooking spray

• Spread 100 calorie pack of guacamole and 2tbsp of fat free sour cream (1pt)
• Than I had some already cooked tofu (morningstar grill crumbles- 1pt)
• That I also added some sauteed peppers and onions (0pts)

• Lastly I added 1/4cup of 2% shredded mexican cheese (2pts)

• Last but not least put it in the oven for 8-10minutes
• Than enjoy!!

• It is so easy and delicious all for 5pts!! Also if you're trying to get all your WW healthy guidelines than this recipes has veggies, milk, lean protein, whole grains, and WW filling foods.
• Also you can add whatever you like to it black beans, salsa, refried beans, ground turkey, the possibilities are endless!

Now I need to find the energy to get off my couch and work out! Happy Snow Day!

Panic at the Westside Market

This morning started out great. I went to Weigh Watchers had a killer weigh-in. I lost all the weight I had gained last week (that I was too ashamed and chicken to blog about) and than some!!! 4.4 Pounds in total!!!!!!!!!

Than I got a call from my parental units who got our taxes done today and my tax return is HUGE! I felt like I won the lotto (for some reason the 50cent song have a baby by me and be a millionaire song is stuck in my head- my tax return has done bad things)

Than after an doctor's appointment I was walking around NYC in the snow loving my life when I past by the Westside Market.

It is this beautiful market that always has such colorful fresh fruit on its stands. Whenever I walk by I want to buy all the fruit and today I thought why not treat myself to a delicious piece of fruit. So for the first time ever I went inside the market. It was even more beautiful in there.

There were rows of all delicious looking food and now I realized that it was 12:45 and I had not had lunch yet and I was HUNGRY! THAN PANIC STRUCK! WHAT TO EAT WHAT TO EAT WHAT TO EAT! (keep in mind I had a packed lunch in my bag) The craziest thing was I was having a physical reaction to the stress and temptation of the market- my pulse quicken, I felt light headed, and felt my brain get foggy.

What ended up happening was that I had 4 free samples of foreign cheese than STOPPED, bought my healthy snack, and than headed for the door.

(I ended up buying a fruit salad, weigh watchers yogurt, and Watermelon falvored Essence water.)

So I even though I panicked at Westside Market I made it out alive!! Horray!!

Unfortunately the feelings of panic have not been easy to shake and have made me more concerned about a dinner party I am going to tonight. The host sent an email discussing what she would could make for dinner- she stated "I was thinking about making eggplant parm and manicotti for dinner but I could make chicken and salad if everyone wants to go healthy." My other friends responded "how often do we see each other- let's go high calories!!"

UGH! Why does celebrating that we're hanging out have = high cal dinner? I never responded to the chain. I didn't feel comfortable saying I'm trying to lose could we go with a lower calorie option. I wanted to be the gracious, thankful guest not the picky, demanding one. I'm sure there is a friendly, kind way I could have asked for a low calorie meal but I didn't so I am left with a challenge tonight.

Bobby's brilliant advice was:

even with high cal

you can do portion control!

YES its so hard to remember though

you are going to have an amazing time tonight

whether you overeat or not

so wouldnt you rather have fun AND be proud of yourself?

i KNOW you can do this

and just think of how great its going to feel at your next weigh in

b

So I'm going to try and follow his advice, watch my portions, load my plate with veggies, and I'm bring a fruit salad for dessert. I want to try enjoy the people and be in control with my eating. Wish me luck!!

Here are some photos I took walking around snowy NYC:

snowy Columbia

Central Park- so pretty!

This is genius.

You know how easy it is to get sucked into doing a TV show that you've always meant to watch, and then once you have access to it you can't stop until you have finished? A friend of mine was in that situation and decided to only allow himself to watch while at the gym. And so he started going to the gym three times a day. And he looks amazing.

Sorry for the lack of communication. It is recovery week, so I'm not doing as hardcore working out. I actually gained like half a pound or something at my Tuesday weigh-in, but I'm using recovery week to give my willpower a break along with my muscles. That way I can start STRONG on Saturday.

TWO-A-DAYS START SATURDAY. YAAAAAAY.

Listen Up!

I have a trainer at my gym. He is fantastic and a huge companion of mine on this weight loss journey. During our workouts I have broke down, cried, pushed myself, ran away, laughed, learned and became stronger with every squat, lunge, and push-up.

A few days ago we were working out and he was yelling at me (I pay him the big bucks to yell at me). That particular day I had had enough with his yelling so in best sassy voice I yelled back at him. I told him that all his is yelling was negative and that he should try saying a word of encouragement every once and awhile. He stopped me and told me he said, "I say positive things all of the time- YOU DONT HEAR THEM."

WHAT? I'm not deaf. I hear just fine. In the moment I did not understand instead I just continued to squat. Later on I thought more about what he said and wondered what he meant. Do I really not hear the positive, good things people say? I came to the conclusion that I do hear them but often I do accept them.

A few years ago an old woman came up to me on the street and told me I was beautiful. I said thank you and walked away. My roommate, at the time, made me stop what I was doing and really think about that. She pointed out that there was tons of other woman but there was something special, beautiful about me that made the old woman speak to me. Except I barely noticed however if that woman had walked up to me and told me I was fat I would have definitely taken that to heart.

What is wrong with my brain that all I hear or take to heart is the negative? I need to learn to really accept and take in the positive things that people say. Most importantly I think this all goes back to what I say to myself and you know I'm working on that. Today numerous times I said to myself I LOST WEIGHT, I LOST WEIGHT, I LOST WEIGHT. I haven't weighed in yet this week but I am talking myself into believing in myself and my ability to lose weight.

I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT, say it with me! (or say whatever you need to tell yourself to keep pressing on)

Cheers!

I Am Changing.

I swear I titled this post before finding this video and did not title it just as an excuse to post a Jennifer Hudson video.

But seriously how wonderful is she? SING IT, GIRL.

I know that I'm supposed to find strength within myself and all of that business, but sometimes I just need a little validation, alright? My big struggle in this chapter of the Former Fatties has not been staying vigilant. It has been the fact that I've been more vigilant than ever - and not really having too much trouble with that - and yet the scale stays the same. Everyone and their nutritionist can tell me that the scale doesn't matter at this point, but I can only run on faith for so long. I was beginning to need proof.

And then last night I video chatted with my friend Laura, who is currently on the road being famous, and one of the first things she said was, "You look thin. In your face! Your jawline!" I admit that when I first came up on the video chat screen, I thought the same thing myself, but I just dismissed it as craziness on my behalf. Hearing it coming from someone else, unprompted, was really what I needed to keep going at this point. This hasn't been all for nothing. In fact, I've noticeably changed my appearance in just a few weeks.

I've changed more than just physically. Mentally, I've gone from dreading working out to never really feeling like I've worked out enough. And I don't think I mean that in the distorted-body-image way. I mean that I've gotten fit enough that if I work out in the morning, I don't even have that "I worked out today" feeling at the end of the day. And I want to get it back.

And so we now enter my first "recovery week." Recovery weeks are built into both P90X and Insanity. They involve less super-intense cardio and weight training, and more yoga, core work, and stretching. The idea is to give your body a chance to catch up. The old me used use Recovery week as an excuse to only really do any exercise maybe one day in the entire week, and then fall out of the program entirely. Now, I worry that I'm going to get anxious for not working out enough. I never give these types of workout enough credit though until I actually do them and find them more challenging than any of my various jump-and-do-pushups DVDs.

And then after this week...I get to start TWO-A-DAYS! This means that I'll do one type of workout in the morning and a different type in the evening several days a week. YAAAAAAAAY!

OK who am I?

Re: You Know You're a Maturing Former Fattie When..

You Enter the Danger Zone and DO NOT EAT!

I work with children with autism in their homes. This week I spent days with one client whose kitchen has the most junk food in the whole world. I'm talking chips, doritos, ice cream, M&Ms, skittles, starbursts, you know name it. The family is also so generous and offer me anything I want so my world is open to all of these tempting foods. The mom actually called me from the supermarket to see what kind of food I wanted while I was there- so sweet but so unnecessary.

The first day I did well in the morning. I ate the foods I packed and did not eat any of the family's food. However in the afternoon things got stressful. My client was having a rough time, my interventions were not working, he was getting upset, and I was getting stressed. Finally when my client calmed, I was stressed, tired, and surrounded by TONS OF JUNK FOOD=DANGER ZONE!!! What did I do?

ATE, ATE, ATE, AND ATE

WHOOPS

The next day I returned with a better plan and attitude! Today I ate every hour and half so I never was hungry in their house. When my client was allowed a break I read a Weight Watchers magazine to stay motivated. Most importantly, I not only brought my own food, I brought yummy, point friendly food that I was looking forward to eating. I figured why would I eat their food if I had food I really wanted to eat? and...

I DIDN'T EAT THE JUNK FOOD!

YAAAAAY! I also tracked and had a positive attitude. These two days have been a great reminder of the learning process. One mantra that I love is:

Never a Failure Always a Lesson!

(Rhianna has that tattooed on her, post Chris Brown, and I love it! )

You know you're a maturing Former Fattie when...

...you go out to dinner with one of your favorite drinking buddies and make great, healthy choices.

Jacky and I took a ton of classes together, and several times a semester we'd get together to "study," which would quickly turn into hours of drinking and rocking out (she always had an acoustic guitar AND a case of wine in her dorm. Awesome.)

Tonight, we still had a FANTASTIC time, but we were so good! I admit I got a Diet Coke, which I'd recently sworn off for fear of cancer, but Jacky got an Iced Tea! What a great idea! I am TOTALLY becoming an unsweetened iced tea with lemon person! That was my last diet soda.

It helps when you are at a restaurant that offers healthy options that you could have a naughty dream about. We went to Cafeteria on 17th and 7th, home of a turkey burger topped with avacado that is as good as any burger - turkey or otherwise - I've ever had:


It also probably helps that the waitstaff there is entirely populated by gays that are hot in that fit, pretty, New York way. They offer some totally unhealthy choices but I'd have felt shamed if I had asked my waiter for them.

Typically, the turkey burger comes with the sweet potato fries that taught me that I don't hate but in fact LOVE sweet potato fries. Earlier in the week I had planned on getting them since I was going to be going out with an old friend. Instead, I subbed them for extra greens! And I didn't miss them! I tried to really embrace the idea that it's the people that make an occassion special, not the food. And that was totally true! We had so much fun.

I knew it would come down to the wire as to whether I went through with it, so I prepared myself. I took a bag of blueberries on the train in so I wouldn't be starving when ordering. And I reminded myself of something I heard Scott Hamilton say on the Olympics last night. Apparently no defending World Champion has won the Olympic gold medal in men's figure skating since Hamilton himself in 1984. So, this year's defending World Champ (not to be confused with reigning Former Fatties world champion, Katy) asked Scott how he did it.

"I made sure that when I got there, I had done everything I possibly could to win."

And so, I know what I want (a slammin bod by summer 2010) and I will make sure I do everything I can to get it.

I'm an atomic bomb.

When my friend Auria recently lost 5 pounds in a week and we looked up what five pounds of fat looks like (I will link to that post once I'm not on the train), she wondered, "where did it GO?"

The answer is obvious if you stop and think about it. When we lose weight, we are actually taking a part of ourselves, fat, and transforming it into energy that is released into the world. Turning matter into energy is the concept behind the atomic bomb.

Liz seemed to surprise herself last week by bringing up a power outside if herself. I'm a bit delayed in agreeing, but more specifically, I find that power in the very idea of energy, motion, vibrations. The universe doesn't just exist, it moves. Not to go all music-geek on you, but harmonies, probably my favorite things in this world, are nothing more than atoms moving in a perfect mathematical relationship with one another. The fact that this motion can give you the chills makes me believe, at the very least, in a balance to it all.

And so I've been inspired this week by thinking of myself as an atom bomb. I have got more potential energy than I know what to do with. It isn't fair to the universe for me to just carry it around on my gut. And so, I explode.

Most of this week has been pretty great, although yesterday I had my obligatory "why isn't the scale changing" freakout. Infinite thanks to Katy and Liz for getting me through that.

It is a lot of fun to get through a workout by imagining yourself a sheer force of the universe. And today I realize that I may not be getting smaller, but I'm definitely getting more powerful. Watch out.

Never really alone.

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Sometimes, people aren't going to be there to give you exactly what you need. When it's a freshly made bed in your hotel room, for example, and the cleaning lady is not permitted to touch your pajamas that are strewn about the bed.

In her defense, I found this apology to be sweet and genuine despite the obvious language barrier.

Other times - and fortunately, most of the time - there are people who are always going to be there to make you feel cozy and warm, and assure you that you're not a total mess. I've been realizing that lately, in terms of the weight loss/healthy living journey as well as on the road of life.

Bobby told me earlier this week that playing a leadership role in others' healthy life choices directly correlates to one's own success (did I get that right, B?). He's so right. Leading by example is a pretty empowering thing. It's definitely something that has always been an important value of mine - with my family, back in school, with my health, and in my career.

Trying my very best is something my parents ingrained in me since I could walk, and has helped me appreciate and value that in myself and others. Seeing others push to be their personal best, make choices that are selfless when it may not be what they want, and who are motivated by good intentions alone is SO inspiring to me. I don't always make the best decisions - I can be stubborn, selfish, and lazy at times. But, I have friends and other people in my life (even other bloggers!) who I endlessly look to as inspiration for how I want to live and be my best self. I'm grateful for those people on a daily basis, and I try to make sure they know it (if you're reading this, it's you).

In honor of pushing myself beyond my comfort zone to grow, I did two things last night that combine my passions with something that makes me a little uneasy. I went shopping, and I ate... alone and in an unfamiliar place. Generally those are hobbies I like to enjoy socially with company, where I'm less likely to get overwhelmed or anxious.

So, after we wrapped at work yesterday, I headed to the mall and then to dinner here in PA. I was getting kind of tired of the long, extravagant dinners (and so was my waistline!), and just wanted something quick, healthy and fresh. Although I'm not usually a fan of chain restaurants, I decided to give Qdoba a shot.

A "naked" salad with fajita veggies, grilled veggies, black beans, pinto beans,
2 types of salsa, and (yucky) dressing on the side.

It was good - fine - but pretty much fell into the usual "blah-zay" and not-super-fresh category that most chain restaurant food seems to be. Just...weird. I can't explain it. I'm a food snob. Most people - especially my 2 boyfriends Bobby and Alex - would love this place.

Okay, to say I was alone at dinner might be a little bit of a lie. I did have some company across from me in the booth: MORE new clothes!

I got a striped dress to tie into my new French-inspired wardrobe desires,
and a black miniskirt that I mostly had to buy because it was size small and fit (VAIN!).
I also got some saucy red lipstick from Sephora since I'm going to the Ball on Saturday!

I pushed not only my credit card limits last night, and I pushed my personal limits a bit too. Ultimately, a success.

All or Nothing: One Woman's Search for Balance

How do you like the title of this post? I am considering it as the title of my autobiography.

The past few weeks (or maybe years...) I have been searching for more balance in my life. I have really intense, fantastic, the-world-cant-get me down highs, and in as quick as a few minutes, I have really intense, awful, lonely, nothing, dark lows. I want more balance in my life. I want to appreciate the good and realize, know the bad.

This is especially imperative in my weight loss and self-esteem stuff. When I dream, fantasize, or imagine myself I either look like this (in the future):

(How hot is Lily Cole?)
Or I imagine myself to look like this (this could be present, past, or future):
Rarely do I see this girl:

The same goes with my food. It's either nice, healthy, controlled eating or BINGE CITY! I need to be able to eat healthy and unhealthy (in moderation) and let it be OKAY! Not let one or two unhealthy choices become a week to just give up.

Also I need to be okay with who I am right now. I realize that a lot of my posts discuss "the woman I want to be." I think I have to let go of her a bit and allow myself to be the woman I am because she is pretty fantastic. I want to appreciate, accept, and love the person I am while still striving to grow, learn, and become a stronger woman.

This seems like a life goal that is worth pursuing.

Atlantic City and a pool of hot sauce. Valentine's day 2010.

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I am back to the grind after a nice Valentine’s Day weekend. We went to Atlantic City for Saturday Night for Kir’s birthday, which was fun. The same night, The Situation & DJ Pauly D (from Jersey Shore) and apparently Audrina (from the Hills) were in town. However, my fantasy and eternal desire to spot an MTV reality show star remain unfulfilled. Fear not, we still partook in our own mild-mannered debauchery, hold the drama and the steroids.

Alex and I at the Taj. And some new clothes for me.

A few too many whiskey & gingers and $15 lost in the penny slots later, I realized I wasn't going to ride home on the lucky train. I bedded down relatively early, and left Alex on the flo' to bring home $300 in winnings for mama! I knew I loved him for a reason.

Came back to Lancaster yesterday (yes, STILL here for work) and went to Valentine’s dinner with Alex, a coworker & her boyfriend, and our client who was unfortunately stranded here for the weekend after his flight was canceled. We went to a local brewery and I had strawberry wheat beer. For dinner, I wanted their falafel for dinner, but of course they were out of it (my luck seems to have run off somewhere) so I had a black bean burger & fries. Meh.

Although not quite how most people plan to celebrate the “most romantic day of the year,” I have no complaints. Alex and I do really special things all the time, that I just felt no need to pull out the stops for yesterday. I used to be the biggest sap for Valentine’s Day, when most of my friends would roll their eyes and complain about the Hallmark Holiday. It was different this year. Don't be confused - I don't hate it, by any means. Alex and I still exchanged cards and I got him candy that may or may not have been influenced by my personal tastes in chocolate.


In other news, I also realized that I have been eating a meat-free diet (still hesitant to call myself a vegetarian) for over a month! I watched Food Inc and made the decision to limit/eliminate meat on January 3rd. The only meat-products I’ve eaten have been 2 strips of bacon on vacation with my family during meat-free week 1. Otherwise, it’s been really effortless! I can’t tell if I feel the differences in my body, but I think I feel less like garbage. It probably also helps that I’ve started exercising again.

I google image searched "vegetarian" and picked the freakiest photo I could. You're welcome.

Things I crave when they’re around me: anything chicken-based with buffalo sauce and blue cheese – CHRIST! I’ll have to look into creating some sort of veg option to satisfy my finger-licking desire. Anyone have any recipes/alternatives? I could pretty much swim in a bath of Franks Red Hot and be happy. It's become more of an addiction than a guilty pleasure at this point.

I love you I love you I love you.

Next up, I am going to work on writing relevant posts that have some sort of cohesive structure to them. Until then, steam of consciousness as I type.

I want a snack.

Am I a Drama Queen?

This week I felt like the I lost it. I lost my drive, my determination, and any speck of will power. I didn't track what I ate and I skipped the gym. I felt like I gained 2398490328pounds and I just felt like a fell in a pit of fat and darkness. Needless to say I was less than thrilled to get on the scale for my weekly weight-in and...

I lost 1/2 a pound?!

I thought nope, no way no how, that cannot be right. I stepped on and off the scale a few times to make sure but it was a fact. I lost 1/2 a pound. All I kept thinking was HOW? I was so sure I gained 2398490328pounds but I was wrong I lost weight. How did that happen? I've come up with some theories:

• My binges, while they still happen from time to time, are not that bad. This week I overate pretzels, glueten-free cookies, and oatmeal raisin cookies. In the past I would have ate fast food, brownies, and pizza. The fact that I did not totally retreat to my past behaviors is a success.
• When I was recalling my workouts I felt like I totally dropped the ball but I was wrong. I went to the gym four days this week. I only skipped Wednesday during the crazy blizzard. Not bad at all.
• I had my period which made me feel bloated and emotional. I think I mistook that for feeling fat and gross. Next month I'll try to be more logical.

This week I will plan what I eat, tack for seven days, and stay positive.

Have a great weekend!

Getting my butt to the gym

Go KATY! LOVE THE 5K idea!! I am definitely in! I love races. I have found nothings as motivating like a good race and with your competitive nature you'll just love it. Hoorrray!

Um I still kinda feel like butt. I haven't been eating great but after watching an episode of Biggest Loser I DVR-ed. I am going to fake it and go to the gym. Hopefully getting a workout in with help this snow and emotional induced slump.

Also I am wearing a shirt I stole from Bobby to the gym tonight in hopes that his badass workout attitude will rub off on me. Here's hoping!!!

Snowed in & making my move.

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I kind of wish I could make the same claim as Bobby, about not drinking at all. Hmmm not so much. For some reason, when I'm away for work and at client dinners (or just long shoot days), I find myself having at least 1 cocktail at dinner. Fortunately, I think the most I've drank since being here for the past week is 2 cocktails a night. That's not awful, right? Isn't a glass of red wine a day supposed to keep me from getting heart disease or something?

I had intentions of exercising today when we got back to the hotel. However, after coming in from snow drifts as tall as me and seeing the lobby/restaurant completely full of hotel patrons, I aborted that mission. Sat down, and got myself a Manhattan, with Makers Mark. Umm hey, I can't drink those like my 6' Nordic man of a client can. It took me about an hour to drink one. One. And after 3 sips, I felt it. DO YOU KNOW ME? That's not me. Then I waited an hour and a half for my mediocre salad while watching all the hotel workers try to fend off impending panic attacks as they scurried around to feed all of us.

Anyway, I feel like my life is really boring in PA and that's why I haven't been blogging.

But!! I do have something to mention. And I've been hesitant to blog about it because once I say it here, I know I have to do it. However, I had an idea this weekend and I think I'm gonna make it a reality, so...

I'm going to do a 5K!!!

This is a BIG deal for me, since I never have run outside and the, like, one time I tried I wasn't able to go for more than 30 seconds. However, as we all know, I'm goal oriented and I think this will be a fun one. It's not THAT far, right? I've always wanted to be a runner. Plus, I talked to Bobby about it and he's into it, and he's good at motivating me to make good choices these days. Liz, since you eat 5Ks for breakfast, would you like to join us? I'm thinking I'll do it sometime around Memorial Day, maybe June, and probably on Long Island since people in the city are just way too intense... about everything.

So now I have to create some sort of training plan! I will probably have my college roommate Kaitlyn help me since she's like an insane runner and does triathalons and marathons pretty much on a daily basis. But if anyone else has tips, let me know! Since it's still winter out (obviously, hello snow), I'm going to focus first on increasing my endurance on the treadmill. (Yesterday I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill - 1.5 miles running at speed 6.0, 1 mile walking at speed 4.0, in intervals). For me, that's pretty good, but I know I've got my work cut out for me.

Take a Ride on My Emotional Roller Coaster

I want to cry, I want to scream, but most of all I want to give up.

I dont want to do this anymore.

I just feel so frustrated.

I have been working on losing weight seriously for the past two years but more like the past 10. I dont feel like its ever going to happen for me. Instead I should just adjust to living my life as the chubby girl with nice hair and a pretty face.

Even as I'm typing this there is a logical voice inside of my head screaming. Here is what the logical voice is saying:

STOP!

You have your period.

You are emotional.

You do deserve to look and feel your best.

This is just another test.

The five cookies you ate today are just that- cookies.

Are you going to let 5 (gluten-free) cookies ruin weeks of healthy eating and exercising?

NO!

I am going to clean my room, take a shower, and go to bed.

Tomorrow when I wake up I will continue to ask God for strength to stay focused on this journey.

WHOA! So I threw God in there. I don't know what the other former fatties beliefs are but I do believe in a force, whether it be God, Buddha, A Great Spirit, who watches over me and helps me. I think I need that help. Today I came across a bible passage in a book I was reading (I'm not usually big on the Bible but this spoke to me, so I thought I'd share) "When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control."

I could use everything on that list but definitely more self control. SO I plan on saying a little prayer for all of us former fatties who need God's help.

Amen.

You know you're a maturing Former Fattie when...

Katy tried to start this a while ago, but at the time I wasn't one, so I had nothing to say. Co-bloggers, please notice the new label on this post.

You know you're a recovering Former Fattie when...you hear that Loyola University, Baltimore announced yesterday that they were closing until Monday and your first reaction is "this weekend those undergrads are going to get so...fat."

It has been surprisingly easy to not drink this February. I like to think of myself as naturally intoxicating. I'm not saying I'm not drinking anymore but I'm saying I don't have to have anxiety about getting fat by drinking every weekend if I don't drink every weekend. Of course, I can always make an exception...

Crowning Achievements

Yes that is Future Fatty Bobby rocking a BK Crown and ketchup-face like it is going out of style. Yes I should have scanned it instead of taking a picture of it through the frame with my phone.

I'm still struggling to figure out how best to work out today (my back feels a little funny and I can't seem to confirm that the gym is open.) Still, it is definitely a successful day nutrition-wise, and I feel fitter than ever. By a lot. And this morning I tied my lowest weigh-in ever at 160.4 pounds, with a whole week to improve that (or screw it up) before my official Tuesday weigh-in. The awesome thing about trying to build muscle is you can gloat about good weigh ins, but dismiss bad ones.

So maybe today is an achievement in that I've really been able to just slip into a totally Former Fattie mindset-I was just remarking to Katy that at 5:30 I somehow wasn't hungry, had 15 points left for the day, and had already had over 100 grams of protein. Its an achievement because I've had no screw-ups, but I've also stopped feeling like the world is an awful barrel of temptation.

Yesterday, however, there were two things that I'm particularly proud of:

• I finished Yoga X for the first time ever. It is an hour and a half and I'd never crossed the 30 minute mark. I really don't make excuses anymore (maybe I've run out of them) so I knew I had to plow through. What really blew my mind was just how slow the time passed. I wish I'd known over the past year though, that the really difficult stuff is only the first 45 minutes. It then switches to balance exercises, which basically involved me falling for 45 minutes, but it was way more fun and the time moved quickly. By the end, it was basically sitting on the floor and stretching - which i hate - but somehow I found peace in it. Yes, I totally turned into that cliche "I feel so wonderful after yoga" guy.
• Last night around 9 - 10 PM I was mildly hungry. Knowing I was still legally allowed a snack, I thought about having pretzels and Port Wine cheese (which was perhaps the first thing ever put on my ever growing if-its-not-all-gone-I'll-keep-eating-it list.) I was going to have "just a little" but knew that would never be the case so I had celery instead. I kinda love celery at this point. And I was so happy for it in the morning.

So co-bloggers and commenters, what are your crowning achievements this week?

I'm still here. Still dominating.

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Bobby: are you ever going to blog again?

i feel like i'm not blogging cause i dont want to be a blog hog

Me: yeah, i should blog tonight

i just havent been eating anything blogworthy

Bobby: hahah

Me: but i can blog about how i ran 1.5 miles last night

Bobby: you sure can

Me: and since they have closed all the highways and the entire city of lancaster, it doesnt look like i'll have much else to do tonight

Bobby: you can also blog about how you didnt want to think about former fattie february

but you're killin it!

working out and eating well

Me: i will do that!

I'm still away on business in PA, in the midst of a serious storm that has shut down the City of Lancaster as a whole. But, of course, we're still shooting since we're staying a stone's throw from the studio. I will blog more tonight, since I'll be stuck in the hotel with not much else to do.

TEASER: I have an exciting announcement to share. Maybe exciting just for me, but still, stay tuned...

Yep. That's me, and that's my ass.

5 Pounds of Fat. 5 Pounds of Muscle.

Apparently my protein goal should be around 120-140 grams a day in order to build tons of muscle. I was nervous about fitting that much protein into my points, but I just had a 9.5 point breakfast (I'm allotted 29 points a day) that contained 74 grams of protein!

The (20 grams of) protein shake obviously helped, but the 6 eggwhites were actually the same number of points (2) but with more protein (24g v. 20g.) I also enjoyed my beloved Special K+FiberOne+Low Fat Yogurt (in my favorite flavor - cherry) and an Arnold Sandwich Thin (1 point, 6 grams of protein!)

I'd like to give a very special Former Fattie congratulations to my good friend Auria. Auria is the one who convinced me that WeightWatchers works in 2008, and helped me get through that crazy adjustment phase where I had to start putting vague numbers on everything I ate. We lost a lot of weight together, and she is fully committed to Former Fattie February. Yesterday was her weigh in day, and in the first week of February, she lost 4.5 pounds! Unbelievable! To show her her achievement, I sent her a picture of a woman holding 5 pounds of fat. In response, knowing that I was disappointed by the scale this morning (but trying to build muscle) she sent me this:

So how about I lose a pound of fat and gain a pound of muscle every week? Deal?

Alright, I am off to do my least favorite workout of all time, P90X's Yoga-X. It is an hour and a half and I've never gotten past the 30 minute mark. But yoga is great for your body, and my body can use the variety. I will finish it today.

It is not about the scale...it is not about the scale...it is not about the scale...

Ugh. Official weigh in: 162.6, or .8 pounds up. I know this is a pretty insignificant gain, but it is really frustrating considering I was at 160.4 or something at on unofficial weigh-in late last week. I really feel like I can just never cross the 160 mark.

But, despite the number, I feel and look fitter than I ever have. It is time to start the (probably slow, difficult) adjustment to the fact that I'm not necessarily trying to drop pounds anymore. I just wish it was easier to measure fat - I hear those scales that claim to do that are wildly inconsistent. Anyone have any good ideas?

My big fear right now is that I'm going to end up one of those guys who is muscley, but with a thick coating of fat on top. Katy and I used to worry about ending up skinny-fat. I'd rather be muscley-fat than skinny-fat, but I'd prefer to just be muscley. I've been asking around and it sounds like I need to be getting waaaaay more protein, but I'm concerned that with that also comes way more points. So I think I'm going to start eating more protein, but also working out more. Last night after a pretty intense arms workout, I really just wanted to run. I was disappointed to realize I was wearing the wrong shoes. I think all of this exercising and healthy eating has left me with more energy than I know what to do with. That is great but if I understand correctly, extra energy gets turned into fat if you don't use it. Not OK.

Should be an interesting week, folks.

TMI UPDATE: Ok, so just before I went downstairs for my breakfast, I pooped and weighed in again. 161.8! So I broke even this week. Stupid post-gym late dinner gettin me all worked up. Still, the message of this post remains true.

Turing a Negative into a Positive

Good Afternoon Former Fatties and Friends!

I am really working on staying more positive with myself and my weight loss. At times when I make an unhealthy choice I get so upset and angry with myself that I can get in a really negative mood. When I'm more negative it is more difficult to make healthy choices, put in the effort to lose weight, or find the motivation to keep on going. In order to avoid this I'm trying to convert my negative thoughts into positive thoughts and focus on the good. Here it goes:

Negative thoughts:

• I did not track what I ate Saturday or Sunday.
• I did not work out Saturday or Sunday.
• I did not do well this weekend.
• I must have gained 238590-2385 pounds this weekend.

Positive thoughts:

• I made much healthier food choices than I have in the past:
• I opted for a veggie burger instead of a meat.
• I left the majority of fries (a HUGE temptation) on my plate.
• I did not have a slice of pizza in Penn Station when all of my friends were chowing down.
• I had egg whites on wheat toast at a diner when I was chaperoning my cousin's after party for his middle school play.
• I DID the POLAR BEAR PLUNGE! Talk about doing something outside your comfort zone. I ran into the ocean in the middle of February!! It is such a blast. I highly recommend it for anyone in the NY area.

• Last but not least I got up at 5:15 today, was at the gym before 6am, and ran 3 miles. I have tracked everything I ate today, and I am determined to keep pressing on!

Not to sound like a terrible movie, but sometimes not completely failing is really winning.

To a certain extent, today I felt like I was losing steam because:

• I know I'm not supposed to beat myself up about yesterday, but I still kinda feel all that food on me.
• Yesterday I decided to do P90X Chest & Shoulders from home, since you really only need to do pushups and use a pull-up bar. I should have gone to the gym, where I was able to sub in back or chest exercises with the weight machines, and most importantly, I was able to use the assisted pull-up machine. That machine allowed me to really max out when doing pull-ups. Instead, yesterday I'd do one or two and then just stand around. I was feeling sore from last Saturday's chest and back workout till about Wednesday. Today, I am not sore from yesterday at all.
• Yesterday's waste-ish workout combined with Friday's rest day just puts me so far away from really hard-core workoutland.

This all combined to give me a distinctly honeymoon-is-over feeling. A few days ago I was beaming about how quickly my body had changed in one week, and was so excited that in only 16 weeks, it would be transformed, just in time for summer. Today, instead I began to wonder...can I do this for 16 more weeks?

This may sound like silver-lining puppies-and-rainbows BS, but even though they haven't been perfect, I'm probably prouder of these past few days than I am of any stretch in my fitness journey. Here is why:

• On Thursday, I was in bed. I did not want to do anything besides go to sleep, but I did Insanity instead.
• On Friday, I went to a place with incredible drinks and incredible appetizers, and ordered a turkey burger and water. OK and Diet Coke even though I've decided it is going to give me cancer, but still. Seriously there were plates of my favorite meals all over and everyone was telling me I could "have some!" I did not. WHAT!?
• Saturday, I may have splurged in the afternoon and not had the best workout ever, but hell, I worked out and inspired my friends to make a totally Former Fattie February compliant dinner as a social event (THANKS LAURAS! I don't think you read FF but thanks anyways.) And I was the only person there who didn't drink.
• Today, Super Bowl freaking Sunday, I had 3 point Whole Foods Turkey Chili for dinner. My family was at a party next-door and I didn't go over. To a certain extent, today was a triumph of knowing my weaknesses and avoiding them. They apparently had 6 foot heros there. 6 foot heros are on my can-not-resist list (along with chicken parm and appetizers.) I will just keep eating them till they are gone. When my mom called to ask if I wanted any leftover heros for my lunch tomorrow, I said no. Honestly, I just don't want to see them. She also (so thoughtfully) saved me a piece of this crumb cake that my neighbor makes that is so delicious I don't trust it. I did not eat it. Also, I did the same Insanity workout that I did in that video, even though I was very near to falling asleep on the couch. So, in summary, on the day I typically eat more than any other day of the year, I definitely burned more calories than I took in.

The real story here is that even when I wasn't feeling amazing and like a kick-ass-fitness-machine, I made good choices. I have had many good strings of days before, only to lose dedication once I stop seeing/feeling immediate results. Over these last few days though, I've decided to take not feeling energetic or fit and turn that into motivation to work harder. Hopefully over the next few days that catches up to me, leaves me feeling fit again, and gives me the motivation I need to press forward.

OK, one final motivating story. I have never explicitly said it on this blog since I'm so self conscious about it, but I will not rest until I am completely free of man-boob. Today, a friend who's done P90X in the past, to great results, but has since stopped came up to me to ask how I was doing. Without warning, he hit my chest to feel for himself (he's grabby.) In that moment where I knew it was coming but couldn't do anything about it, I panicked.

"Whoa!" he said. "SOLID! I think I need to start doing that again! Seriously that is crazy."

Day. Made.

Puppy and rainbows.

Celebrating.

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I'm back in Brooklyn for the weekend before going back to Lancaster to start shooting (film... not heroine, in case my last post left anyone confused).

Last night, our good friends Kirsten & Matt got MARRIED up in Connecticut! Their actual big wedding is in October, but they decided to move their official ceremony up. Afterwards, some of their close friends & family went to dinner at a cutie restaurant in Fairfield CT. Matt and Kir are vegetarian, so they had 2 veg/healthy options to pick from (and other carnivorous choices also). I started with a salad, and then the pasta primavera (ate all the veggies and 1/2 the pasta) and then a ridicccc brownie sundae that I'm not even upset about. SO GOOD.

(Aside, I also ate some of Alex's M&Ms on the train ride up there, so while I survived Thursday nights absurd breakdown, I certainly did get my fix in the end.)

After dinner, we went to a local bar and after consuming 5 glasses of red wine at the restaurant I decided it would be a good idea to move on to vodka Red Bull. Hmmm, no, I have no idea why I feel like garbage today.

But it doesn't matter, because I had a great time and was so happy to be there and share that moment with Matt and Kir. MARRIED!! I can't believe it. It was a really fun night and I'm so excited for their lives together to officially begin (and it's official now, her name is changed on Facebook).

Tonight I'm probably going to take it easy, since I feel like my large intestine is about to fall out of me. Tomorrow is the Super Bowl and to me that means ONION DIP!! I will probably partake in that with Nikki & some commercial watching too.

After it all, and in line with Bobby's post, I'm realizing that most things in life are about finding the right balance. For me, that balance is never going to be eliminating sweets or depriving myself of something I really want (in any way). It's making good, smart choices whenever you can, and allowing yourself to enjoy the sweet stuff too.

The Enablers!

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Liz and I had plans to hang out this afternoon, but we didn't know what to do. We decided on a late lunch, and she said she wanted to go someplace new. We almost simultaneously suggested my favorite Italian place (of those near me.)

So on an afternoon where I seriously considered us working out together, we instead had this:


Amaaaaazing bread. Liz got buffalo chicken pizza, I got chicken parm. Liz only had two slices (maybe a quarter of her pizza.) I was less respectible.

I really don't feel guilt over this right now since I've eaten so well and worked out so hard. Still, I wish I had NOT asked for a second basket of bread and had only had half my chicken, which I'm sure is still more than a serving. I can treat myself AND make good choices. Oh well.

When we were leaving I saw this table and thought, "why didn't they give ME a burrito with my meal??!??!!"


I was less mad though when I realized they DID give me a NAPKIN.

TRANSFORMATIONS

So I just put a bunch of Whole Foods salsa in my eggwhites and WOWEE it was amazing. I'm no cook like Katy and Liz, but here's my recipe:

• Pour eggwhites into pan
• Use a fork to put Whole Foods salsa in the pan with the egg whites
• Watch it cook

You're welcome. I would have taken a picture but I ate it too quickly.

Congrats to Liz on an absolutely incredible week and a marvelous year so far. What I keep telling myself is that if I feel so amazing after one week, think of how incredible I'm going to feel sixteen weeks from now, when summer officially begins (by way of Memorial Day weekend.) Liz and I were talking about it this morning...we're really on our way to transforming ourselves. (I loved her idea a few posts back that if she only loses four pounds a month that is still 48 pounds in a year.)

So I'd like to share with you one of my favorite things to do when I'm feeling a little not-in-the-game (as I am right now...my post this morning is proving to be so true as I am fairly confident every moment I spend not doing some crazy workout is a moment I spend expanding.) The whole reason I started doing P90X is not because of its infamous infomercial, it is because there are countless people on YouTube who have posted their transformations. As much as I feel like I look better today than I did a week ago, I still have trouble picturing myself relatively jacked. I'm going to have to get used to it though, because it looks like it is happening. I'm fitter and thinner than most of these befores.

Some of them go to 120 or 180 days instead of 90. Memorial day weekend is in 112. I am going to enjoy the summer, but I'm going to keep working out.

Most of these are best enjoyed if you just scroll through them quickly. Also, mute out the heavy metal/rap hybrids that everyone seems to chose as a soundtrack.

Skip to 2:50 for Day 1/Day 90 side by side:

This guy starts out a little more muscley than me, but also with a little more fat, I'd say. Skip to 1:40:

This guy may have just gotten a spray tan. That's always an option:

Umm...jacked:

Ok that should be enough for today. I just kinda chose those at random. I'll post more as I find good ones.

So my question, fellow bloggers, and commenters is...are you ready for what you're about to become?

The One Point Wonder

Katy- I've definitely been there but my chocolate is a drive through at McDonalds. I've been digging my nails in my steering wheel trying to get away from the Big Mac that is speaking to me. It sucks. How'd you handle it? We're going to need a recap!

The One Point Wonder

I have become obsessed with this chili. It is delicious, filling, and so low in calories I love, love, love it! One cup is 80 calories, 1 point for WW friends. FANTASTIC!

Ingredients:

-Bear Creek Chili : "Darn Good" Chili

-6oz can of tomato paste

- I add sauteed peppers and onions (because I think everything tastes better with peppers and onions but you could add anything depending on what you like. Ground turkey, tofu, jalapenos...whatever)

Recipe:

- Boil cups of water

-Whisk in chili mix and tomato paste

-let simmer for 20-25 minutes, stirring occasionally

- the last five minutes I add in my sauteed peppers and onion

YUM! When its done I usually add some fat free sour cream and fat free mexican cheese- SO GOOD.

Former Fatties I want to have you guys over for dinner and make this for you!

******Also I weighed in today- LOST 3.2 POUNDS!!!!!!! in one week!!!*****

And on the seventh day, he rested.

So after six days of pushing myself, today is my well-deserved day off. Honestly, I'd rather work out today but your muscles only grow if you give them time to recover. This may be the first day in a week that I'm not going to do any pushups.

A "rest" day poses its own set of challenges:

• I always feel more "in the game" emotionally when I've got that just-worked-out feeling. Good news is, I wasn't that sore yesterday, but my whole body is sore today, so that helps.
• Hmm...maybe this is just a rephrasing or extension of the same point, but damnit I want to use bullet points. When I work out, I always make healthier eating choices since I don't want to throw away the work I just did.
• I know this is definitely an extension of the last bullet point, so shut up. I'm nervous about confusing an exercise-rest day with a food-cheat day.

Basically where this is all leading is that I'm going TGIFriday's for drinks tonight and I'm terrified. Katy helped me pick out a meal and Liz recommended not even looking at all the fried choices on the menu, but Fridays was Fat Bobby's Stomping ground. When I go there, I still usually get a 1430 calorie appetizer, breadsticks, and a chicken finger entre that I can't currently find the nutrition info on (probably because Friday's has purged the internet of this information.) I am just not going to drink, because it is Former Fattie February, but also because their drinks are too delicious. A conversation from the last time I went, with about 9 (straight) guys from work:

Waitress: What can I get you boys to drink?

Bobby: What is the gayest thing you have?

Waitress (without hesitation): Pomegranate Margarita.

Bobby: Keep 'em coming.

Honestly, this is going to be harder than working out six days in a row, but I'll be fine. Right? Right.

Talk me off the ledge.

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I am about to jump.

I am craving chocolate so badly. I just got back from a fantastic dinner here in Lancaster (Winter Season Salad - Brogues Hydroponics Lettuce with Poke, Clementine, Chevre, and Pomegranate Citrus Vinaigrette, and Organic Red Quinoa, Black Lentil Pilaf, Vegetable Ragout, and Microgreens).

However, all I can do is sit here and tell myself, "you will not have the chocolate. Katy, you will NOT go down to the lobby and by the Hershey bar. You don't need it. And besides, then you'll sleep funny."

But I NEEEEEEEEEEEEED IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

I thought blogging would help me. Guess what, food blogs only make you want it more. I am like a fucking drug addict right now, clawing at the tracks in my arm, sweating and breathing heavy.

I'm out of control.

A personal triumph!

I have been experimenting with P90X and Insanity for close to a year now. I have had amazing results with these programs, but I have never completed a full week of them. I've kept with them for a few weeks, missing days here and there, but I have never had a single 6-days-of-working-out-followed-by-one-day-of-rest week. Until now.

I just completed both Cardio Abs and Pure Cardio, both of Insanity fame. I feel amazing. In response to BEE's comment on my last post, my legs weren't quite begging for mercy as much as I'd have liked them to this morning, but as soon I started using them again today they sent up flairs of distress. And thats why I'm so proud to have pushed through this set, knowing the finish line was so close.

While this has been my best week ever fitness wise, I haven't been tracking my eating, even though I've been making just about every effort to make healthy choices. I guess thats where my room for improvement is next week.

I'm doing my best to eat as much produce and protein as possible. Today has been a mixture of bananas, protein shakes, grape tomatos, and so many egg whites, but now this, my reward:

It is a single, smallish piece of leftover eggplant parm, half a cup of whole wheat pasta with just a little sauce, and a protein shake. I may be starting to love protein shakes. I thought about bringing this to work with me for my break/dinner, but decided that I'd rather have my less-healthy meal in the middle of the day.

I love that I got this workout done so early in the day. Now I can go through the rest of the day and evening without feeling guilty or having anything hanging over my head. And my eating choices can be helped by the fact that I don't want to screw up the work I've already put in today.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to enjoying my victory meal while listening to that acoustic performance of "Halo" that Beyonce and Chris Martin did at the recent telethon. You know, the one where instead of saying "baby" she said "Haiti." Except, in my head, she actually changed it to "Bobby." Beyonce and I are both so classy.

Just under 7 minutes in heaven.

AKA, the edited version of just under an hour in hell.

Alright mostly it is just me talking.

You can do better.

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What's up skinnies?

Greetings from Amish country. I'm in Lancaster for work, the first night in my hotel room for what is bound to be a very long 2.5 weeks.

Yep - horse and buggy in front of us as we left the set today.
Those babies are fast! Don't see those back in NYC (unless you're in Central Park)

The perks, though, are that I'm with a good crew, nice client, and actually some great restaurants! We have some freakin' good (albeit indulgent) dinners. Although, everything tastes better on the company dime. :)

To balance them out, I'm making an effort to visit the hotel gym. I just went and ellipticalled for a whopping 30 minutes before I was too freaked out to be down there by myself any longer. Still, better than nothing.



While I was down there, "You Can Do Better" by Say Anything came on my iPod. Although not the dancey beat like my usual LMFAO or Ke$ha gym mix, I kept this one on because I found it's lyrics to be really motivating.

Shitty quality Photo Booth pic I took on Monday post-gym.
I will start using the SLR as soon as I find the battery charger.

I have been having a really good week, personally, and have been constantly pushing myself to make it better. I've exercised the past 3 days in a row (and um, maybe visited the gym for the first time in 2010, don't judge) and been eating healthy..er. Physically, mentally and emotionally I am starting to feel a lot better than I have lately. I'd felt myself going into a bad place over the past 2-3 months and I want to hightail it away from there STAT.

Plus, daily g-chat check-ins with BoRo are always motivating as we chat about important world events, such as which guy on Glee is the most boneable. For me, Mr. Shue. For him, Finn. Lesson: I'm hot for teacher, and Bobby is a child molester. We also discussed whether it's more impactful to watch a workout DVD from the couch, while drinking a (protein) shake, before doing it or just throw yourself into the fire. I prefer throw myself in, screaming and cursing at Jillian Michaels the entire time. I also mute it so I don't have to hear her pissing and moaning about how awful I am.

And while we're on the subject of irrelevant rambling... I am watching Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC and O-M-G what a freakshow. These poor little baby girls. Talk about really corrupting any chance of a healthy sense of self and body image. I'm all about a little glamour, but Christ, 4 year olds should not be getting spray tans and French tip manicures!

Aaaaaand... Tangent end. Goodnight Pennsylvania.