Monday, March 29, 2010

Dating, Love, and Food

I've never had a boyfriend. Sure I've gone on dates, hooked up with my fair share, and had men interested in me but I have never had a boyfriend. I'm not entirely sure why that is but I'm coming to understand more and more about it and myself through seeing an eating disorder counselor.

This week things have been going really well- I went on date and the guy was crazy about me, he called me every evening after our date, other men had also asked me out, and other people were trying to set me up with other men. I went to a party and everyone was telling me how great I looked. There was lots of positively surrounding myself, my appearance, and dating it was overwhelming.

Than I broke down.

I went on a crazy three day binge which included- pizza, cheeseburgers, large cookies, cupcakes- the works. After the binge I felt the typical post-binge bloat and disgustingness. When I was bouncing back from the binge I was thinking about the trigger- why did that happen? Usually there is a stressful situation happening in my life but this time only good things was going on in my life so why why why did i binge?!

After much reflection I've come to a conclusion. I think my binge was a result of the positive results of my dating. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared that a man might actually want to be with me and than break down all the walls I've been putting up for years. I'm scared that I may let a man in and than he'll affirm the negative thoughts I have about myself. I'm scared.

But love is worth it right??

I know love is worth it. I know I want love in my life. I also know that I have to begin to break down these walls I've built. How do I do that?

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