Am I looking in a funhouse mirror?

I've had a few conversations over the past few years where people say, "you don't see what size you actually are." I've confidently disagreed in the past. "I know I'm not fat, but I know that I can be smaller." And that was true.

Recently though, I've started to realize that I'm smaller than I think I am. I've just had several people refer to me as "small" or "small framed" lately. (This second term really struck me - every Former Fattie once used a "large frame" as an explanation for their size.) I was really hit with it in the dressing room of the Gap this past weekend. I wanted a cute fitted-looking button down. I picked up the Small and prayed it would fit. It was too big. In the meantime I was trying on jeans that were a size 30. Not only did they fit I probably have a little extra room (at least in the waist.) What struck me was not how far I've come - from an XL to below a S and from a 36 to below a 30 - but just how small those new sizes actually are. As in...I'm smaller than a Small? How the heck small am I? Is it going to be an issue finding clothes that are small enough? WHO AM I?

This realization leaves me with a few thoughts:

• For the first time ever, I understand what people mean when they talk about distorted body image. I still think of myself as juuuust a little on the big side, what actually I'm smaller-than-small.
• Was it ever my intention to be small? I know Katy's dream is to be Olsen-esque but its not mine. It can be argued that Efron-esque isn't exactly huge but...well I guess that leads me to my next point...
• I'm not Efron-esque. Don't hit me for ending this post like this, but seriously, I could still be so much more toned. I think lithe, toned guys are so attractive, but that is just not what I am right now. I do think I'm well on my way. And a I feel a billion times better about myself than I did even four months ago, let alone two years. I'm starting to lean more towards wanting to be Lautner-esque I think. My primary goal right now though is to rid myself of the remaining fat. So if I end up a little too small for a bit, so be it. (Interestingly, Taylor Lautner is about 10 pounds heavier than I am and my height. So in theory I should only have to put on ten pounds of muscle...but he started out 20 pounds lighter than I am. So I think he may have 30 pounds of muscle on me. At the very least, its more than 10.)

The point of this post was supposed to be that I have a distorted view of myself in the mirror, but I actually think the truth is more that I'm adjusting to the new reality. Confession: whenever I've passed the long mirror at the bottom of my staircase in the past few weeks, I've been pleasantly surprised at what I've seen. So maybe I can actually see it...I just keep forgetting.

Either way, the Former Fatties has changed my life.

This is genius.

You know how easy it is to get sucked into doing a TV show that you've always meant to watch, and then once you have access to it you can't stop until you have finished? A friend of mine was in that situation and decided to only allow himself to watch while at the gym. And so he started going to the gym three times a day. And he looks amazing.

Sorry for the lack of communication. It is recovery week, so I'm not doing as hardcore working out. I actually gained like half a pound or something at my Tuesday weigh-in, but I'm using recovery week to give my willpower a break along with my muscles. That way I can start STRONG on Saturday.

TWO-A-DAYS START SATURDAY. YAAAAAAY.

I Am Changing.

I swear I titled this post before finding this video and did not title it just as an excuse to post a Jennifer Hudson video.

But seriously how wonderful is she? SING IT, GIRL.

I know that I'm supposed to find strength within myself and all of that business, but sometimes I just need a little validation, alright? My big struggle in this chapter of the Former Fatties has not been staying vigilant. It has been the fact that I've been more vigilant than ever - and not really having too much trouble with that - and yet the scale stays the same. Everyone and their nutritionist can tell me that the scale doesn't matter at this point, but I can only run on faith for so long. I was beginning to need proof.

And then last night I video chatted with my friend Laura, who is currently on the road being famous, and one of the first things she said was, "You look thin. In your face! Your jawline!" I admit that when I first came up on the video chat screen, I thought the same thing myself, but I just dismissed it as craziness on my behalf. Hearing it coming from someone else, unprompted, was really what I needed to keep going at this point. This hasn't been all for nothing. In fact, I've noticeably changed my appearance in just a few weeks.

I've changed more than just physically. Mentally, I've gone from dreading working out to never really feeling like I've worked out enough. And I don't think I mean that in the distorted-body-image way. I mean that I've gotten fit enough that if I work out in the morning, I don't even have that "I worked out today" feeling at the end of the day. And I want to get it back.

And so we now enter my first "recovery week." Recovery weeks are built into both P90X and Insanity. They involve less super-intense cardio and weight training, and more yoga, core work, and stretching. The idea is to give your body a chance to catch up. The old me used use Recovery week as an excuse to only really do any exercise maybe one day in the entire week, and then fall out of the program entirely. Now, I worry that I'm going to get anxious for not working out enough. I never give these types of workout enough credit though until I actually do them and find them more challenging than any of my various jump-and-do-pushups DVDs.

And then after this week...I get to start TWO-A-DAYS! This means that I'll do one type of workout in the morning and a different type in the evening several days a week. YAAAAAAAAY!

OK who am I?

You know you're a maturing Former Fattie when...

...you go out to dinner with one of your favorite drinking buddies and make great, healthy choices.

Jacky and I took a ton of classes together, and several times a semester we'd get together to "study," which would quickly turn into hours of drinking and rocking out (she always had an acoustic guitar AND a case of wine in her dorm. Awesome.)

Tonight, we still had a FANTASTIC time, but we were so good! I admit I got a Diet Coke, which I'd recently sworn off for fear of cancer, but Jacky got an Iced Tea! What a great idea! I am TOTALLY becoming an unsweetened iced tea with lemon person! That was my last diet soda.

It helps when you are at a restaurant that offers healthy options that you could have a naughty dream about. We went to Cafeteria on 17th and 7th, home of a turkey burger topped with avacado that is as good as any burger - turkey or otherwise - I've ever had:


It also probably helps that the waitstaff there is entirely populated by gays that are hot in that fit, pretty, New York way. They offer some totally unhealthy choices but I'd have felt shamed if I had asked my waiter for them.

Typically, the turkey burger comes with the sweet potato fries that taught me that I don't hate but in fact LOVE sweet potato fries. Earlier in the week I had planned on getting them since I was going to be going out with an old friend. Instead, I subbed them for extra greens! And I didn't miss them! I tried to really embrace the idea that it's the people that make an occassion special, not the food. And that was totally true! We had so much fun.

I knew it would come down to the wire as to whether I went through with it, so I prepared myself. I took a bag of blueberries on the train in so I wouldn't be starving when ordering. And I reminded myself of something I heard Scott Hamilton say on the Olympics last night. Apparently no defending World Champion has won the Olympic gold medal in men's figure skating since Hamilton himself in 1984. So, this year's defending World Champ (not to be confused with reigning Former Fatties world champion, Katy) asked Scott how he did it.

"I made sure that when I got there, I had done everything I possibly could to win."

And so, I know what I want (a slammin bod by summer 2010) and I will make sure I do everything I can to get it.

You know you're a maturing Former Fattie when...

Katy tried to start this a while ago, but at the time I wasn't one, so I had nothing to say. Co-bloggers, please notice the new label on this post.

You know you're a recovering Former Fattie when...you hear that Loyola University, Baltimore announced yesterday that they were closing until Monday and your first reaction is "this weekend those undergrads are going to get so...fat."

It has been surprisingly easy to not drink this February. I like to think of myself as naturally intoxicating. I'm not saying I'm not drinking anymore but I'm saying I don't have to have anxiety about getting fat by drinking every weekend if I don't drink every weekend. Of course, I can always make an exception...

Crowning Achievements

Yes that is Future Fatty Bobby rocking a BK Crown and ketchup-face like it is going out of style. Yes I should have scanned it instead of taking a picture of it through the frame with my phone.

I'm still struggling to figure out how best to work out today (my back feels a little funny and I can't seem to confirm that the gym is open.) Still, it is definitely a successful day nutrition-wise, and I feel fitter than ever. By a lot. And this morning I tied my lowest weigh-in ever at 160.4 pounds, with a whole week to improve that (or screw it up) before my official Tuesday weigh-in. The awesome thing about trying to build muscle is you can gloat about good weigh ins, but dismiss bad ones.

So maybe today is an achievement in that I've really been able to just slip into a totally Former Fattie mindset-I was just remarking to Katy that at 5:30 I somehow wasn't hungry, had 15 points left for the day, and had already had over 100 grams of protein. Its an achievement because I've had no screw-ups, but I've also stopped feeling like the world is an awful barrel of temptation.

Yesterday, however, there were two things that I'm particularly proud of:

• I finished Yoga X for the first time ever. It is an hour and a half and I'd never crossed the 30 minute mark. I really don't make excuses anymore (maybe I've run out of them) so I knew I had to plow through. What really blew my mind was just how slow the time passed. I wish I'd known over the past year though, that the really difficult stuff is only the first 45 minutes. It then switches to balance exercises, which basically involved me falling for 45 minutes, but it was way more fun and the time moved quickly. By the end, it was basically sitting on the floor and stretching - which i hate - but somehow I found peace in it. Yes, I totally turned into that cliche "I feel so wonderful after yoga" guy.
• Last night around 9 - 10 PM I was mildly hungry. Knowing I was still legally allowed a snack, I thought about having pretzels and Port Wine cheese (which was perhaps the first thing ever put on my ever growing if-its-not-all-gone-I'll-keep-eating-it list.) I was going to have "just a little" but knew that would never be the case so I had celery instead. I kinda love celery at this point. And I was so happy for it in the morning.

So co-bloggers and commenters, what are your crowning achievements this week?

5 Pounds of Fat. 5 Pounds of Muscle.

Apparently my protein goal should be around 120-140 grams a day in order to build tons of muscle. I was nervous about fitting that much protein into my points, but I just had a 9.5 point breakfast (I'm allotted 29 points a day) that contained 74 grams of protein!

The (20 grams of) protein shake obviously helped, but the 6 eggwhites were actually the same number of points (2) but with more protein (24g v. 20g.) I also enjoyed my beloved Special K+FiberOne+Low Fat Yogurt (in my favorite flavor - cherry) and an Arnold Sandwich Thin (1 point, 6 grams of protein!)

I'd like to give a very special Former Fattie congratulations to my good friend Auria. Auria is the one who convinced me that WeightWatchers works in 2008, and helped me get through that crazy adjustment phase where I had to start putting vague numbers on everything I ate. We lost a lot of weight together, and she is fully committed to Former Fattie February. Yesterday was her weigh in day, and in the first week of February, she lost 4.5 pounds! Unbelievable! To show her her achievement, I sent her a picture of a woman holding 5 pounds of fat. In response, knowing that I was disappointed by the scale this morning (but trying to build muscle) she sent me this:

So how about I lose a pound of fat and gain a pound of muscle every week? Deal?

Alright, I am off to do my least favorite workout of all time, P90X's Yoga-X. It is an hour and a half and I've never gotten past the 30 minute mark. But yoga is great for your body, and my body can use the variety. I will finish it today.

It is not about the scale...it is not about the scale...it is not about the scale...

Ugh. Official weigh in: 162.6, or .8 pounds up. I know this is a pretty insignificant gain, but it is really frustrating considering I was at 160.4 or something at on unofficial weigh-in late last week. I really feel like I can just never cross the 160 mark.

But, despite the number, I feel and look fitter than I ever have. It is time to start the (probably slow, difficult) adjustment to the fact that I'm not necessarily trying to drop pounds anymore. I just wish it was easier to measure fat - I hear those scales that claim to do that are wildly inconsistent. Anyone have any good ideas?

My big fear right now is that I'm going to end up one of those guys who is muscley, but with a thick coating of fat on top. Katy and I used to worry about ending up skinny-fat. I'd rather be muscley-fat than skinny-fat, but I'd prefer to just be muscley. I've been asking around and it sounds like I need to be getting waaaaay more protein, but I'm concerned that with that also comes way more points. So I think I'm going to start eating more protein, but also working out more. Last night after a pretty intense arms workout, I really just wanted to run. I was disappointed to realize I was wearing the wrong shoes. I think all of this exercising and healthy eating has left me with more energy than I know what to do with. That is great but if I understand correctly, extra energy gets turned into fat if you don't use it. Not OK.

Should be an interesting week, folks.

TMI UPDATE: Ok, so just before I went downstairs for my breakfast, I pooped and weighed in again. 161.8! So I broke even this week. Stupid post-gym late dinner gettin me all worked up. Still, the message of this post remains true.

TRANSFORMATIONS

So I just put a bunch of Whole Foods salsa in my eggwhites and WOWEE it was amazing. I'm no cook like Katy and Liz, but here's my recipe:

• Pour eggwhites into pan
• Use a fork to put Whole Foods salsa in the pan with the egg whites
• Watch it cook

You're welcome. I would have taken a picture but I ate it too quickly.

Congrats to Liz on an absolutely incredible week and a marvelous year so far. What I keep telling myself is that if I feel so amazing after one week, think of how incredible I'm going to feel sixteen weeks from now, when summer officially begins (by way of Memorial Day weekend.) Liz and I were talking about it this morning...we're really on our way to transforming ourselves. (I loved her idea a few posts back that if she only loses four pounds a month that is still 48 pounds in a year.)

So I'd like to share with you one of my favorite things to do when I'm feeling a little not-in-the-game (as I am right now...my post this morning is proving to be so true as I am fairly confident every moment I spend not doing some crazy workout is a moment I spend expanding.) The whole reason I started doing P90X is not because of its infamous infomercial, it is because there are countless people on YouTube who have posted their transformations. As much as I feel like I look better today than I did a week ago, I still have trouble picturing myself relatively jacked. I'm going to have to get used to it though, because it looks like it is happening. I'm fitter and thinner than most of these befores.

Some of them go to 120 or 180 days instead of 90. Memorial day weekend is in 112. I am going to enjoy the summer, but I'm going to keep working out.

Most of these are best enjoyed if you just scroll through them quickly. Also, mute out the heavy metal/rap hybrids that everyone seems to chose as a soundtrack.

Skip to 2:50 for Day 1/Day 90 side by side:

This guy starts out a little more muscley than me, but also with a little more fat, I'd say. Skip to 1:40:

This guy may have just gotten a spray tan. That's always an option:

Umm...jacked:

Ok that should be enough for today. I just kinda chose those at random. I'll post more as I find good ones.

So my question, fellow bloggers, and commenters is...are you ready for what you're about to become?

And on the seventh day, he rested.

So after six days of pushing myself, today is my well-deserved day off. Honestly, I'd rather work out today but your muscles only grow if you give them time to recover. This may be the first day in a week that I'm not going to do any pushups.

A "rest" day poses its own set of challenges:

• I always feel more "in the game" emotionally when I've got that just-worked-out feeling. Good news is, I wasn't that sore yesterday, but my whole body is sore today, so that helps.
• Hmm...maybe this is just a rephrasing or extension of the same point, but damnit I want to use bullet points. When I work out, I always make healthier eating choices since I don't want to throw away the work I just did.
• I know this is definitely an extension of the last bullet point, so shut up. I'm nervous about confusing an exercise-rest day with a food-cheat day.

Basically where this is all leading is that I'm going TGIFriday's for drinks tonight and I'm terrified. Katy helped me pick out a meal and Liz recommended not even looking at all the fried choices on the menu, but Fridays was Fat Bobby's Stomping ground. When I go there, I still usually get a 1430 calorie appetizer, breadsticks, and a chicken finger entre that I can't currently find the nutrition info on (probably because Friday's has purged the internet of this information.) I am just not going to drink, because it is Former Fattie February, but also because their drinks are too delicious. A conversation from the last time I went, with about 9 (straight) guys from work:

Waitress: What can I get you boys to drink?

Bobby: What is the gayest thing you have?

Waitress (without hesitation): Pomegranate Margarita.

Bobby: Keep 'em coming.

Honestly, this is going to be harder than working out six days in a row, but I'll be fine. Right? Right.

A personal triumph!

I have been experimenting with P90X and Insanity for close to a year now. I have had amazing results with these programs, but I have never completed a full week of them. I've kept with them for a few weeks, missing days here and there, but I have never had a single 6-days-of-working-out-followed-by-one-day-of-rest week. Until now.

I just completed both Cardio Abs and Pure Cardio, both of Insanity fame. I feel amazing. In response to BEE's comment on my last post, my legs weren't quite begging for mercy as much as I'd have liked them to this morning, but as soon I started using them again today they sent up flairs of distress. And thats why I'm so proud to have pushed through this set, knowing the finish line was so close.

While this has been my best week ever fitness wise, I haven't been tracking my eating, even though I've been making just about every effort to make healthy choices. I guess thats where my room for improvement is next week.

I'm doing my best to eat as much produce and protein as possible. Today has been a mixture of bananas, protein shakes, grape tomatos, and so many egg whites, but now this, my reward:

It is a single, smallish piece of leftover eggplant parm, half a cup of whole wheat pasta with just a little sauce, and a protein shake. I may be starting to love protein shakes. I thought about bringing this to work with me for my break/dinner, but decided that I'd rather have my less-healthy meal in the middle of the day.

I love that I got this workout done so early in the day. Now I can go through the rest of the day and evening without feeling guilty or having anything hanging over my head. And my eating choices can be helped by the fact that I don't want to screw up the work I've already put in today.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to enjoying my victory meal while listening to that acoustic performance of "Halo" that Beyonce and Chris Martin did at the recent telethon. You know, the one where instead of saying "baby" she said "Haiti." Except, in my head, she actually changed it to "Bobby." Beyonce and I are both so classy.

Just under 7 minutes in heaven.

AKA, the edited version of just under an hour in hell.

Alright mostly it is just me talking.

And onto Day 2!

Liz, Katy, and Bobby eat cantaloupe.

Just wanted to quickly check in:

• Weighed in this morning. 161.8. According to WeightWatchers.com, that is the lowest ever, but I could have sworn I'd hit 160.x at some point. So that means I've lost one pound for the fourth week in a row. I've been spoiled by big numbers in the past, so I'm trying to remind myself that that is the perfect definition of slow and steady. And that summer is still 16 weeks away and I certainly don't have 16 pounds to lose.
• I also need to adjust to the fact that in theory, I'm trying to gain as much weight (in muscle) as I'm trying to lose. A friend who did P90X gained ten pounds of muscle after completing just half of the program. For some reason mentally, I really feel the need to cross the 160 line though. This will be my first Tuesday-Tuesday with full commitment...so could it be the 1.8 pound week I need? WE WILL SEE.
• On that note, Sunday is the Super Bowl, aka appetizer day, aka my Heaven/Hell. I am just going to hide in a cave, so I should be fine.
• Last night I was telling Katy that I just wanted Zac Efron-on-the-beach body this summer, although I should be more realistic. She fired me up and believes I can do it. I guess at this point the lack of certainty for me is that I don't have any experience building muscle, so I don't know how long that takes (or how long it will take on me.) Still, I'm a firm believer in shooting for the top, so feel free to oggle my hip bones and wide shoulders this summer.

I feel like these things sound like gripes, but thats not how I intended this post at all. I am LOVING Former Fattie February and am so confident all three of us are going to have a great month....followed by several more. This is one of the trickiest periods...we've hit our stride, now we need to stick with it.

So with that said, I am going to go eat a healthy breakfast and then work out for the fourth day in a row.

Re: Happy Fattieversary!

I have spent the better part of the last year accusing Katy of sabotage. I was constantly finding myself overeating and coming up with some scenario in which this was Katy's fault. Something strange has been happening over the past few days though. I keep trying to eat total crap, and somehow I end up eating healthily. Yesterday, I came up with enough excuses that I was going to go to IHOP and get their tremendous chicken fingers and fries (with honey mustard and garlic bread) but it was so packed that I ended up at Whole Foods instead. And then today, I worked my ass off at the gym, all the while smelling the deliciousness of free pizza Monday, only to find them disassembling the pizza table when my workout was complete. I just finished a salad with grilled salmon and some low-fat chicken noodle soup from Panera. (Their LF chicken noodle is SO GOOD and ONE POINT.) It kinda feels like I've got someone going out of their way to make sure I make healthy choices.

If you tell her I said this I'll deny it, but that is really who Katy has been to me since last February 1st. I have spent most of my life "trying" to be fit, but never actually gaining any traction. Because of Katy, I started moving. I kept moving. And when I stopped, she pushed me again. And again.

For 365 days Katy has proven herself to be an unbeatable competitor and a tremendous friend. I caught a glimpse today of some before and afters that she's chosen not to share and let me tell you the woman is transformed. And can we just take a moment to reflect on how bitingly hilarious she is?

It has taken us a bit to warm up this time, but now that Katy is firing on all cylinders, I know once more that I'm going to have an incredible next few months. I know that the body I occupy today, the one that I have fought so hard for, will very rapidly become just another in a long line of "before" pictures. Last year was incredible, but it was really just laying the ground work for the year we're about to have.

Happy Fattieversary, gorgeous.

DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH "SORE."

Seriously. I can not get those images out of my head. I am scared to go back and look for a more appropriate picture.

Anyway.

I am so completely sore today. It is amazing. It was less amazing when I was doing Insanity, but as Jillian Michaels says, "that pain your feel is your body changing." I had a crazy good unofficial weigh-in today, and I'm trying to beat it at my official weigh-in Tuesday. We'll see. I'm starting to be actually confident that I can have the body that I want this summer. This is going to be one of the hardest points to push through - when I need to work out despite my entire body hurting.

Some other little highlights:

• Someone today, seeing me eating healthy, sarcastically said, "your waistline is really getting out of control." I freaked for a second but realized he had no idea I had ever known me fat and was teasing me for being so skinny. LIFE. GOAL. ACHIEVED.
• My work BFF Pete coincidentally started working out the same day I started P90X. We did pushups on our lunch breaks! Ok...so we also tried to go to IHOP but the line was CRAZY so we went to Whole Foods. It was an act of God I'd say.
• I don't know if you've noticed everyone changing their Facebook pictures to celebrities they look like, but its apparently all the rage this week. I realized I hadn't gone to that website where you submit your photo and it says who you look like since I was fat. It said I look like Ricky Martin. I realize that I don't, but it used to tell me that I looked like Patsy Cline. Small victories.
• OMG I just uploaded a different pic and it said Topher Grace! He's so cute! Now I just need to ask him how he got his body like that in the Valentine's Day Trailer.

Aight folks. Gotta get my beauty sleep as tomorrow is the best day of the month: FREE PIZZA MONDAY at Planet Fitness.

How did everyone do this weekend?

And just like that, Former Fattie February began.

It is crazy to me how much one workout can change my mindset.

I woke up early on this Saturday morning to go to Planet Finess with my P90X on my phone. My college roommate and sometime gym buddy (and Liz's cousin!) Will and I have decided to commit to doing the strength days of P90X on Saturdays, Mondays, and Wednesdays. I'm going to intersperse Insanity, since I think it is a much more fun and challenging workout than P90X's non-strength workouts. In theory I'm going to do an adjusted version of P90X "Doubles" in months two and three. To me, that means doing Insanity 6 Days a week in addition to P90X strength workouts at the gym 3 days a week. That leaves one day completely workout free. Both P90X and Insanity have built in "recovery" weeks every four weeks, so I'm already looking forward to those.

I'll admit it was a bit of an adjustment doing P90x at the gym, particularly since someone was using the assisted-pullup machine most of the first half. I subbed the back pulldown machine for that and I think it was totally better than what I would have done at home...done three pullups and then just stood around waiting for the next workout. Eventually the assisted-pullup machine freed up. That thing is so fun, especially since it makes me feel SO STRONG!

After I work out really hard, I always do much better nutritionally. Today is no exception. I am in the IMAX theatre waiting for Avatar to start (I am blogging this with 3D glasses on. The words are popping out.) I smuggled in a pouch of peanuts and raisins (3 pts.) a bottle of water and a FiberOne bar (2 pts.)

I was worried about today's eating but not tomorrow's...so I guess I'm not screwing up between now and February. And February is going to be amazing.

Here we go kids.

Re: 10 Things To Do (Besides Eat)

I'm sure by my next post we will be into Former Fattie February, and since that means NO CHEATING, it's a great time to remember little ways to help myself meet that goal.

1. Play piano
2. Sing
3. Make a track

The only time that I forget to eat is when I'm making music. It's good to remember I'm more passionate about something than I am about appetizers.

4. Talk to a friend, particularly a co-blogger
5. Do something social not centered on food
6. Blog

Friends and support are so much better than pizza, right? RIGHT!??!? Right.

7. Work out

Half the time I eat it's because I'm antsy. I should use that energy for good, not evil.

8. www.thepinesfireisland.com

A beachful of attractive gays and every one of them has a sixpack. I want to go to there. Soon.

9. Watch Glee.

Apparently the new gay they are casting is a "jock." Time to pack on the muscle.

10. Read old blogs/ look at before and afters

Remember that change can happen when I try hard enough. And that I should be acting more like Febuary 2009 Bobby than Fat Bobby.

Katy?

My own life.

Of all the things Barack Obama said on the campaign trail last year, there was one statement that I remember literally striking me in the gut:

Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time.

We are the ones we've been waiting for.

Regardless of what you think of the man or his politics--I have a whole variety of thoughts that I'd be happy to discuss with you on some other blog--I would imagine these words resonate with all former fatties.

For me, 2010 is really the year that I make my own life. It is time for me to stop dreaming or wanting and instead take all of the talents and opportunities I have (almost unfairly) been given and make something of myself.

I blog a ton about my inability to stay focused for more than a few days. I need a kick start to feel the motivation that only a taste of success can provide. Really, if I stuck with it for maybe two weeks that would probably be enough, but I'm instead going back to my roots and kicking ass for all of February.

No drinking. No fast food. LOTS of working out.

Unsurprisingly, I've been pretty lax now that I feel like I'm in the run up to something big. But, I will not wait for another time. Tomorrow is Tuesday, the start of my Weight Watchers week. I may not be quite as hardcore as I am going to be in February, but I want to make this week count. Also, I just last week noticed that WW now allows you to track body measurements, so I'm going to start doing that.

121 days (and 21 hours, 45 minutes) till Memorial Day weekend. Every day counts. I really have to be doing this for myself, but I'm going to need all the support I can get from Katy, Liz, and our commenters, and plan on giving as much as I'm getting. We are the ones we've been waiting for.

I swear I googled "February 2010" and this is what came up. I don't feel bad for posting it though cause hot guys on the beach are hella-good motivation, it includes a very relevant tip (it is from Men's Health) and the guy is now on the Vampire Diaries...which I'm secretly obsessed with. So is a co-blogger, but I won't out her.

FULL DISCLOSURE

OK, so I promised to share both up and down, right? Here goes.

At open bars, there is always such a fight to get enough drinks for it to be worth the money. I, however am completely immune to this problem. I find the token-hot-female-bartender, say something sassy, drink my drink amusingly quickly, ask for another and...voila! Hookup for the night! Seriously, I literally stand behind all the guys who are hitting on her, clearly putting me further back in line, and smile at her and she gets me another drink! It is the best!

Problem is, this power goes to my head. I feel like if I'm going to be a bar where there are essentially no dating prospects for me, I should get to lord my gift over my more heterosexual peers. It is all great fun until someone ends up asleep on the LIRR.

On Saturday, I directly promised Liz that I wouldn't make it one of those nights after she agreed to go out with me on ten minute's notice when she had just gotten off the plane from her cruise (Award. Winning. Rally.) Problem was...this bar's token-hot-female-bartender had absolutely no interest in me. HELLO!?!? I'm wearing a tie! I was seriously turing it up so hard but she would not even smile back at me.

I had made Liz a promise...but this woman was challenging my very identity. If I can't win over an attractive female...who am I?

So yea...a few minutes later, she succumbed, bought me a shot, and the night quickly turned into this:

If I had seen that picture yesterday, I could have simply published it here and saved myself a lot of words in my "why am I still working out post." I mean...sometimes I drink and fall asleep with a chalupa in my hand. What of it? And from certain angles I still look 300 pounds.

I am going to go do Insanity. Right this second. In the meantime, you can all enjoy this earlier-in-the-evening photo of me and Liz. Doesn't she look hot in my coat?

And this one is the most stereotypically gay-faced picture I've ever taken, but my jaw line exists in it, so I must post it to counteract the sleeping blob above.

PS: My grandma, who sometimes wobbles when she walks, just called and said, "I seem drunk so I'm thinking of just taking up the drink. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Yes. Yes it does.

PPS: Sometime in the middle of the day on Sunday I burped and thought, "Chalupa?"

Why am I still doing this?

I don't mean blogging, I mean trying so hard to get in shape. I realized this morning that I actually need to stop and remind myself. I had been focusing so hard on the deadline of my photo-shoot that I now find myself struggling to feel any sense of urgency. And that is dangerous. So, here is a random sampling of reasons that I should be counting my points and working out every day:

Because this picture was taken after I had previously lost 20 pounds:

Let that be a reminder of how quickly you can let it slip away. And yes that meal is named after me.

Because it makes me feel good.

I was in a real funk last week, having nothing to do with fitness. I want to thank the girls for helping me through that, but I really regret using it as an excuse to let fitness fall by the wayside.

I'm a huge believer in headspace. I just felt like I had so much on my mind, like I was so drained, that I couldn't possibly be bothered to work out and count each freaking thing that I put in my mouth. What I need to remind myself in these times is that this can actually be part of the solution, not the problem. What better way to clear your head than to think of nothing more than trying to survive for an hour of working out?

Besides the endorphins and all that business, the sad truth is that I just feel better in general when I think that I look good. That is part of the reason I like getting dressed up all spiffy [Photoshoot Preview #1]:

Because I never know who or what the day might bring.

Little deadlines are great motivators, but I want to get to the point of looking great and feeling great all the time. Life can be really fun when you're a single young gay in New York who loves what he does. I don't ever want to miss out on something or hold myself back because I don't feel hot enough. Screw that.

Because of the sheer terror of summer.

The weeks slip by so quickly this time of year. The Memorial Day Countdown Clock is officially ticking, folks: 132 days, 5 hours. Thats around 18-19 weeks. Enough time to get ripped, for sure. Also enough time to look exactly like I do right now.

And finally, because they are casting Kurt's boyfriend for season 2 of Glee.

And you know who is perfect for that role? This guy [Photoshoot Preview 2]:

So, commenters and especially fellow bloggers, why do you want to be in better shape than you are today?