Dating, Love, and Food

I've never had a boyfriend. Sure I've gone on dates, hooked up with my fair share, and had men interested in me but I have never had a boyfriend. I'm not entirely sure why that is but I'm coming to understand more and more about it and myself through seeing an eating disorder counselor.

This week things have been going really well- I went on date and the guy was crazy about me, he called me every evening after our date, other men had also asked me out, and other people were trying to set me up with other men. I went to a party and everyone was telling me how great I looked. There was lots of positively surrounding myself, my appearance, and dating it was overwhelming.

Than I broke down.

I went on a crazy three day binge which included- pizza, cheeseburgers, large cookies, cupcakes- the works. After the binge I felt the typical post-binge bloat and disgustingness. When I was bouncing back from the binge I was thinking about the trigger- why did that happen? Usually there is a stressful situation happening in my life but this time only good things was going on in my life so why why why did i binge?!

After much reflection I've come to a conclusion. I think my binge was a result of the positive results of my dating. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared that a man might actually want to be with me and than break down all the walls I've been putting up for years. I'm scared that I may let a man in and than he'll affirm the negative thoughts I have about myself. I'm scared.

But love is worth it right??

I know love is worth it. I know I want love in my life. I also know that I have to begin to break down these walls I've built. How do I do that?

Ugh.

Bobby and Liz's Gmail Come to Jesus Talk

me: hey boo

Bobby: yooooo

me: whats happening hot stuff

Bobby: i feel fat and ugly

but

i'm having so much fun in the studio

and you?

Sent at 5:10 PM on Wednesday

me: i am on a binderif i was an alcohol i'd be drunk off my ass

instead i'm a fattyyy

Sent at 5:11 PM on Wednesday

me: ugh need to get my life back in order

i have a bag of doritos hidden in my purse right now

Bobby: hahahahah

i'm sorry

thats a little funny

its not at all

but do you see what we put ourselves through?

me: it is funny

like if i was an alcoholic i would be hidding a bottle of vodka but no i hide doritos in my purse

Bobby: yes absolutely

me: ugh but the thing is i feel totally gross

and like i know it needs to end

i feel so tired and gross and groggy

Sent at 5:16 PM on Wednesday

Bobby: what do you think you can do to end it?

me: well i'm going to talk to the counselor tomorrow and than also the drive not to feel like this anymore

what about you?

Bobby: i'm going to work on what makes me feel good

and work out and let that take care of itself

i guess

me: what do you mean when you say work on what makes you feel good

Bobby: like

i feel good about what i'm doing in my studio right now

so rather than like

sitting inf ront of the mirror and saying

my face got fat again and i dont look cute

i'm going to work on this project

me: nice

someone once told me you're the most beautiful when you're doing what you love and it sounds like thats what you're talking about

Sent at 5:33 PM on Wednesday

Bobby: yea i think so

me: good plan

I have not blogged in quite awhile and that seems to be because I cannot focus on one thought. I have written numerous drafts but cannot hit publish. I don't know what's going on with me right now I feel all over the place. To be honest I feel like I'm wearing myself a little thin lately. Perhaps its time to de-cutter my life.

I am going to do so by eliminating stress, by:

• returning my library books. I have been putting this off for a long long time. It's time to face the music and return my over-do books.
• Get some things done off my t0-d0 list- essays for job interviews, lessons for school, and grad school stuff.
• Put away my clothes.
• Clean my room.

Hopefully this will be a good start.

While my life has become a bit of a stressed, tangled mess my eating has not followed suit. I did gain weight this week but only 0.2lbs which I was pretty happy about. My weight and my life issues have begun to separate which is a definite sign of progress!! Hooray

HALT

A nutritionist that I used to work with had a saying to use before you eat something:

HALT!

She advised me to stop and ask myself am I....

H-hungry?

A-angry?

L-lonely?

T- tired?

Obviously I do not always think HALT before I put something into my mouth. However I might try to use it more often in the evenings when emotional is more difficult. Thats a little mini goal for myself.

In other news I had kinda bad eating/exercise weekend- basically I went out dancing and drinking until 3am on Friday which resulted in a nasty hangover which then turned into some poor food choices and no exercise. However I'm back on track and doing awesome today. I am def going to lose weight this week!

Happy Monday!!

Am I looking in a funhouse mirror?

I've had a few conversations over the past few years where people say, "you don't see what size you actually are." I've confidently disagreed in the past. "I know I'm not fat, but I know that I can be smaller." And that was true.

Recently though, I've started to realize that I'm smaller than I think I am. I've just had several people refer to me as "small" or "small framed" lately. (This second term really struck me - every Former Fattie once used a "large frame" as an explanation for their size.) I was really hit with it in the dressing room of the Gap this past weekend. I wanted a cute fitted-looking button down. I picked up the Small and prayed it would fit. It was too big. In the meantime I was trying on jeans that were a size 30. Not only did they fit I probably have a little extra room (at least in the waist.) What struck me was not how far I've come - from an XL to below a S and from a 36 to below a 30 - but just how small those new sizes actually are. As in...I'm smaller than a Small? How the heck small am I? Is it going to be an issue finding clothes that are small enough? WHO AM I?

This realization leaves me with a few thoughts:

• For the first time ever, I understand what people mean when they talk about distorted body image. I still think of myself as juuuust a little on the big side, what actually I'm smaller-than-small.
• Was it ever my intention to be small? I know Katy's dream is to be Olsen-esque but its not mine. It can be argued that Efron-esque isn't exactly huge but...well I guess that leads me to my next point...
• I'm not Efron-esque. Don't hit me for ending this post like this, but seriously, I could still be so much more toned. I think lithe, toned guys are so attractive, but that is just not what I am right now. I do think I'm well on my way. And a I feel a billion times better about myself than I did even four months ago, let alone two years. I'm starting to lean more towards wanting to be Lautner-esque I think. My primary goal right now though is to rid myself of the remaining fat. So if I end up a little too small for a bit, so be it. (Interestingly, Taylor Lautner is about 10 pounds heavier than I am and my height. So in theory I should only have to put on ten pounds of muscle...but he started out 20 pounds lighter than I am. So I think he may have 30 pounds of muscle on me. At the very least, its more than 10.)

The point of this post was supposed to be that I have a distorted view of myself in the mirror, but I actually think the truth is more that I'm adjusting to the new reality. Confession: whenever I've passed the long mirror at the bottom of my staircase in the past few weeks, I've been pleasantly surprised at what I've seen. So maybe I can actually see it...I just keep forgetting.

Either way, the Former Fatties has changed my life.

Frantic Tuesday

I had a pretty difficult week with midterms, job searching, moon cycle issues, and food. I want to share with you a bit about this past Tuesday which was by far my most stressful day.

• 5:30 I woke up, had breakfast (bagel thin and WW cream cheese- 2pts), and began to study at home.
• 7:30 I commuted into the city.
• 9am I was sitting in my section at the library. Around 10 I had a mid-morning snack of coffee and light cheese.
• 12pm I reviewed my resumes, got my game face on for the job fair, and than was a ball of nerves that I didn't want to eat (WHAT?! So so rare for me usually its the opposite) I picked at a turkey sandwich on wheat with avocado.
• Studied more
• 2pm went to the job fair- ah so intense: lots of handshaking, smiling, telling people why they should hire me, an on-the-spot interview
• 4pm I left the job fair feeling very frantic and immediately thought: I NEED A BIG COOKIE! (I don't even like cookies)
• 4:10pm Having a mental battle at Columbia's coffee shop about whether to have a cookie or to stay on track
• 4:12 I bought a skinny latte put numerous splendas to satisfy my sweet tooth
• Studied more
• 5:10 took my mid-term and OWNED IT! I knew everything on ABA, the test, and than some
• I finished!! Felt so relieved and than thought: I NEED A HUGE CHEESEBURGER, FRIES, AND BEER.
• Considered calling my father (who I often nag at for his poor eating choices- enabling at its best) to see if he'd meet me at our favorite pub for just that but instead...
• I commuted back to Long Island and enjoyed a 2pt dark chocolate bar on the train.
• Had a dinner of steak, 1/2 a potato, and veggies at home.
• Enjoyed a bowl of special K chocolately delight with skim milk
• I was still feeing pent up nerves, stress, and exhaustion and I wanted to EAT EAT EAT
• Instead I went to bed at 9pm and slept until 9am on Wednesday.

That was my day. I am proud of how I handled my binge sensations throughout the day. In the past those stressful, emotional moments would have turned into an embarrassingly large cookie or a lonely meal of McDonalds on the LIRR. Those would have made my day much much worse in the long run. I need to continue working on finding coping skills to for my emotions but I am definitely making progress. Even with all the crazyness of this week I managed to lose 1.4pounds!

Still truckin.

Hey gang. I really wanted to blog today but it just didn't happen. I want to go to bed early tonight so I'm just going to say that I'm still here. My weekend was a fitness disaster (mostly) but I'm back on track. Actually, today was a bit of a fresh start that will hopefully be the beginning of another successful run.

A deeper blog on self-image coming soon, but I'm going to go to bed. For a while I was having no trouble waking up early and working out, but I've been staying up later. That just happens sometimes. But...back on track. Night!

PS: Enjoy my you-can-do-it jam of the day, sung by the greatest vocalist ever (and sadly, one of the most photoshopped.)

I punched a danish

WARNING: I AM SERIOUSLY LETTING YOU IN ON MY CRAZYNESS WITH THIS POST. PLEASE REALIZE THAT I AM A WELL ADJUSTED HUMAN BEING WHO AT TIMES IS IRRATIONAL AND DRAMATIC WHICH IS WHY ---->

I punched a danish.

I came home, found a danish on my kitchen counter, and destroyed it with my fist.

Perhaps I should back track.

My whole family is overweight. My mom and I are on weight watchers. My father is pre-diabetic because of his unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise. I'm an only child and often worry about my parents poor habits. I especially worry about my father because he still does not seem to understand the gravity of his decisions. I want my parents to live long healthy lives because they are my family and if I ever lost them well I feel like I'd have no one left.

Anyway yesterday I was having a difficult day. I was really struggling with my eating, exercise, had gained .8lbs, and was exhausted. When I got home, after working and going to class, I found a half eaten Raspberry Danish Twist sitting on my counter. I was so, so angry. Angry at my father for eating half a danish in one day when he is on his way to diabetes. Angry that after a long, difficult day I now had this temptation in front of me. I used that anger and seriously beat the shit out of the danish. (I wish I photographed it to share but in my rage black out that didn't occur to me)

Than I breathed in and out, open my cabinet to find a huge bag of chips, and I flipped out all over again. I took out the chips, put them on the counter, took out a large kitchen knife, and proceeded to stab the bag of chips over and over again.

Finally I threw both items out in the trash, breathed, and had a healthy dinner of brown rice, chicken, and broccoli.

The thing is it felt FANTASTIC to beat the shit out of the food which got me thinking. Now I am considering doing some sort of burning or cleanse. I want to physically, mentally, and emotionally destroy the barriers that I allowed to hold me down in the past. This idea came from a friend who had a really unhealthy relationship with an ex-boyfriend and when they broke up she took all of the letters and stuff and burnt it. She always said it was only of the most cleansing experiences she ever had so I'd like to cleanse my unhealthy relationships with food and self-image.I'm considering writing than burning negative thoughts I say about myself (e.g."You are disgusting") or taking a big mac and crushing it with my hand. I realize that this may sound crazy but I think it may be helpful.

A Stressful Week Makes Lizzy a Crazy Girl

In Bobby's last post he said "It actually has been great though, because I've gotten into enough of a routine that fitness isn't occupying all of my brain-space. It is starting to take care of itself." I love it and I'm so so proud of him because I think that is totally the ultimate goal. To have fitness and good eating just become such a part of who we are that they take care of themselves. Way to be Bobby!

At times I have def been in that mode too- choosing healthy options seems to come easily and naturally and I exercise all the time because I want to. However on this journey of weight loss there are ups and downs. Right now I'm somewhere in the middle. At times I make good healthy choices and other times I just dont. I think the reason I am not totally in the zone is because I'm stressed!

Right now my life is getting crazy- midterms, papers,30 4th graders, plans, supervision, and next years job hunt!! Ugh its just A LOT right now but thats life. There will always be stress and a bit of chaos but what I eat does not have to react to it.

A little back story: Last year I quite my job and went back to graduate school. I got into my dream school and academic program and now I'm going to a really competitive program. it was a huge transition and a lot more stressss entered my life as did twenty pounds that I had lost.

SO I really let the stress of school affect my physical and mental health but I really want to do better this semester. This year I've lost 9 of the 20 pounds that I gained back and I want to keep on going. So now that I know this is trigger time I have to action plan about how to deal with that.

My plan:

• Yoga (I'm ashamed to say that my series of yoga classes ran out and I haven't been back in weeks but now more than ever I need to hit my yoga studio again)
• Socialize with my friends (last year I kind of shut myself out and let myself get a little depressed- not this time.)
• Take Time at Night to De-Stress (whatever form that may take: journaling, praying, doing yoga, breathing deep)
• Blog it out- even if its quick- just to keep me accountable
• Try and live in the present so when I'm studying I'm studying and when I'm done relaxing I allow myself to relax and not think about school
• Eat right- track my foods
• Work Out

So that's it. Wish me luck!

It is March now, so lets talk about Former Fattie February, shall we?

So Former Fattie February is over. This is what I look like now:

I took shirtless before and afters, but I think they are misleading. I look almost exactly the same size, if not a little wider. What you can't tell is that I'm just so much firmer. I realized just today that when I make a muscle and squeeze it (which I obviously do all the time) the whole thing is muscle. It used to be "that looks like muscle but most of it is just fat." So its the same size or smaller, but its actually muscle now. Same with my chest.

The pictures did make me the teeeensiest bit scared of getting muscley-fat. I'm not going to worry about it though because I'm just starting TWO-A-DAYS and this week I haven't been a stellar example of nutritional choices. I was so dedicated the first 3 weeks of February so I decided it was OK to loosen the vice I had on own balls. Just in the past week everyone I see who I haven't seen for a bit gasps a little when they see me, so I must be doing something right.

And so I'm not concerned that I weighed in higher yesterday than I did at the first Tuesday of February. I'm not going to freak that I vowed never to go above 160 (after that glorious Thursday when I weighed 159.4) but am now several pounds higher than that. I've been letting myself off the hook a bit by saying, "well hell...if I'm supposed to be eating enough to support GAINING weight, I can eat some more!" That is true, but it works better when it is lean protein or produce that I'm eating, as opposed to late night chips or cookies. Or giant margaritas with giant burritos (we measured...they were in fact bigger than my head.) So...something to work on.

Liz checked in on me recently, knowing that historically when I don't blog, I am usually hiding the fact that I've fallen off the wagon. This time, it wasn't the case. Frankly, I've started to feel good enough about myself superficially that its brought the other parts of my life that I want to work on more into focus. Hooray! Removing insecurities to reveal...insecurities! It actually has been great though, because I've gotten into enough of a routine that fitness isn't occupying all of my brain-space. It is starting to take care of itself. And that has actually allowed me to work on those other things. Sorry if a side effect of that has been neglecting the blog.

So...in summary...I feel great. And I promise on Memorial day to post all four months worth of shirtless pics (if you watch a lot of the crazier P90X before and afters, there is very little noticeale change from day 1-30, but insane change from day 1-90. You'll be getting 1-120ish. Get excited.)

Finally, there is one day a month that I do not freaking care how badly I eat, and that is FREE PIZZA MONDAY at Planet Fitness. I especially didn't feel guilty about partaking this month since I had worked out really hard that morning. And when I got there I banged out the elliptical equivalent of three miles without thinking anything of it. While talking. OK fine...and also while eating pizza: